Funny Stories Jokes

Hey what are you going to do for a face when the baboon wants his ass back!

A successful businessman flew to Vegas for the weekend to gamble. He lost the shirt off his back, and had nothing
left but a quarter and the second half of his round trip
ticket. If he could just get to the airport he could get
himself home. So he went out to the front of the casino
where there was a cab waiting. He got in and explained his situation to the cabbie. He promised to send the driver money from home, he offered him his credit card numbers, his drivers license number, his address, etc. but to no avail. The cabbie said, “If you don’t have fifteen dollars, get the hell out of my cab!” So the businessman was forced to hitch-hike to the airport and was barely in time to catch his flight.

One year later the businessman, having worked long and hard to regain his financial success, returned to Vegas and this time he won big. Feeling pretty good about himself, he went out to the front of the casino to get a cab ride back to the airport. Well who should he see out there, at the end of a long line of cabs, but his old buddy who had refused to give him a ride when he was down on his luck. The businessman thought for a moment about how he could make the guy pay for his lack of charity, and he hit on a plan. The businessman got in the first cab in the line.

“How much for a ride to the airport?” he asked.

“Fifteen bucks,” came the reply.

“And how much for you to give me a blowjob on the way?”

“What?! Get the hell out of my cab.”

The businessman got into the back of each cab in the long line and asked the same questions, with the same result. When he got to his old friend at the back of the line, he got in and asked, “How much for a ride to the airport?”

The cabbie replied, “Fifteen bucks.”

The businessman said, “Ok” and off they went. Then, as they drove slowly past the long line of cabs, the businessman gave a big smile and thumbs up sign to each of the other drivers.

You might be a redneck if ….
1. You have a complete set of salad bowls that say “cool whip” on the side .
2. If the biggest city you have ever been to is wal-mart .
3. If you thought the unibomber was a wrestler .
4. If you use you ironing table as a buffet table .
5. If your neighbor thinks you’re a cop because you come home in a cop car every day .
6. If you have ever used a toilet brush cleaner for a back scratcher .
7.If you think fast food is hitting a deer at 65 mph .
8. If some one tells you , you have something in your teeth and you take them out to see what it is.

Unplugged.

You know you should retire to Florida….

When your wife gives your favorite polyester leisure suit to Goodwill and a teenager shows up at your door wearing it on Halloween night.

When you throw away your alarm clock and let your bladder wake you up at 7am every morning.

When you mention Pearl Harbor to your Grandson and he says he heard of her didn’t she use to sing with a big band?

When you realize that you have underwear older than the quarterback on your favorite NFL team.

When you discover that the lifetime guarantees on everything you own has expired.

When you turn on your computer and DOS 3.5 comes up as your operating system.

When the kids at Burger King are getting paid more than you ever made per hour in your life.

When an aluminum walker becomes your main form of transportation.

When the only bird you can name is the Early Bird.

When you try to lick a stamp that is self-adhesive.

When you find you have a full-length beaver coat in your closet.

When the can of Coffee in your kitchen cupboard is Pre-Columbian.

When you find out the house next door sold for $250,000 and you paid only $18,000 for yours.

When all you ever watch on TV is the History channel and Turners Movie Classics.

When your Limo driver shows up at the front door in a new black suite and you think he’s the undertaker.

When all those brown spots on your arms and hands will not wash off.

When you drop off your teeth at the dentist’s office to be worked on.

When you have a key ring with over 30 keys on it and all you really use are two.

When your favorite shoes are white and your favorite slacks are lime green.