Funny Stories Jokes

Texans already know this, but for the REST of ya’ll, there are THREE Texas towns, located along the same highway. These small towns are Helen, Comfort and Louise.

In the little village of Comfort, outside one of the local motels, is the following sign:

“SLEEP IN COMFORT TONIGHT, BETWEEN HELEN AND LOUISE.”

This guy walked into a bar a nude bar he sat down at the counter and told the bartender he wanted to get fucked. This guy was 30 years old and still a virgin, pretty damn pathetic if you ask me. Anyway this man was somewhat desperate. So he asks the bartender where he could go to get fucked.

The bartender pauses for a moment (seeing how desprate this guy is) and he gives the guy an address to go to so he could get fucked. Well the utterly desprate man leaves the bar all excited and cheerful and goes to the address the bartender gave him.

He arrives at the address and rings the doorbell. A tall well built man walks to the door and the desperate man tells this tall man I want to get fucked.

The tall man looks down at this desperate pathetic man (Trying not to bust out laughing in his face) and says slide 100 dollars under the door and I’ll make sure you get fucked.

So the man slides 100 dollars under the door and stands waiting patiently.

After about ten minutes of waiting the man rings the doorbell again and once more the tall well built man answers the door and the desperate and anxious man asks him, “When am I going to get fucked?!” and the tall man says, “You just did.”

I’ve learned that you cannot make someone love you. All you can do is stalk them and hope they panic and give in.

I’ve learned that no matter how much I care, some people are just assholes.

I’ve learned that it takes years to build up trust, and only suspicion, not proof, to destroy it.

I’ve learned that you can get by on charm for about fifteen minutes. After that, you’d better have a big dick or huge tits.

I’ve learned that you shouldn’t compare yourself to others - they are more fucked up than you think.

I’ve learned that you can keep puking long after you think you’re finished.

I’ve learned that we are responsible for what we do, unless we are celebrities.

I’ve learned that regardless of how hot and steamy a relationship is at first, the passion fades, and there had better be a lot of money to take its place.

I’ve learned that sometimes the people you expect to kick you when you’re down will be the ones who do.

I’ve learned that we don’t have to ditch bad friends because their dysfunction makes us feel better about ourselves.

I’ve learned that no matter how you try to protect your children, they will eventually get arrested and end up in the local paper.

I’ve learned that the people you care most about in life are taken from you too soon and all the less important ones just never go away.

I’ve learned to say “Fuck ‘em if they can’t take a joke” in 6 languages.

Summer vacation was over and the teacher asked Little Myrddin about his family trip. “We visited my grandmother in Minneapolis, Minnesota.”

The teacher asked, “Good, can you tell the class how you spell that?”

Little Myrddin thought for a few seconds and said, “Actually, we went to Ohio.”

Two old men, with very bad limps, were walking down the street in opposite directions.

The first old man, who was practically dragging his leg behind him, came up to the second old man and said proudly into his ear “Japan WW2 1943″ -referring to how he received his injury-

The second old man then whispered back in a soft voice, “Dog Shit - 5 minutes ago”