Funny Stories Jokes

A lady from California purchased a piece of timber land in Oregon. There was a large tree on one of the highest points in the tract. She wanted to get a good view of her land so she started to climb the big tree. As she neared the top, she encountered a spotted owl that attacked her.

In her haste to escape, the lady slid down the tree to the ground and got many splinters in her private parts. In considerable pain, she hurried to the nearest doctor. He listened to her story then told her to go into the examining room and he would see if he could help her. She sat and waited for three hours before the doctor reappeared.

The angry lady demanded, “What took you so long?”

The unperturbed doctor replied, “Well, I had to get permits from the Environmental Protection Agency, the Forest Service, and the bureau of Land Management before I could remove old-growth timber from a recreational area.”

Many years ago, a girlfriend of mine attempted to introduce “culture” into my dismal life, by taking me to our nation’s finest museums, art galleries and concert halls. I was genuinely impressed with her love of the arts, and made a serious attempt to learn, but I guess I forgot to mention to her that “creating humor” is ALSO an “art.”

On one journey to a nice art gallery, we marveled at a life-sized replica of the statue of the Venus de Milo. While staring at it, a museum guard strolled past us, his .38 caliber pistol secured inside his holster.

As he walked past the lovely statue of Venus, I couldn’t resist saying out loud, “DON’T SHOOT! SHE’S UNARMED!”

That was my LAST date with that young lady….

A 7 year old boy and his brother were upstairs in the bedroom. The 7 year old was explaining that it was high time that the two begin swearing. When the little brother responded enthusiastically, the 7 year old hatched a plann, “When we go down stairs for breakfast this morning, I’ll say `Hell` and you say `Ass`. The 4 year old happily agreed.

As the two boys were seating themselves at the breakfast table, their mother walked in and asked her older son what he would like for breakfast. The 7 year old replied “Ah Hell, Mom, I’ll just have some Cheerios.”

“WHACK!” The surprised mother reacted quickly. The boy ran upstairs, bawling and rubbing his behind.

With a sterner voice, the mother then turned to the younger son, “And what would You like for breakfast.”

“I don’t know,” the 4 year old blubbered, “but you can bet your ass it’s not gonna be Cheerios.”

One day, a Newfie, a Quebecer and an Albertan were walking down the street when they came across an old lamp.

The Newfie picked it up and gave it a good rub. Lo and behold, out popped a genie.

The genie said, “I’ve been imprisoned in that lamp for 2000 years and since you have released me, I will give each of you one wish.”

The Newfie thought about it for a minute and said, “Well, my granfather was a fisherman, my father was a fisherman and I’m a fisherman. I wish that waters off the coast of Newfoundland would be filled with fish so that my children and my children’s children will always have something to fish.”

“POOF!” says the genie, “Your wish is granted.”

The Quebecer has plenty of time to think and he says, “I am a proud Quebecer and I would like to preserve ‘da heritage of my people for all eternity. I would like a wall built around Quebec so dat nobody can get in and nobody can get out.”

“POOF!” says the genie, “Your wish is granted.”

The Albertan, knowing that it’s his turn, says to the genie, “Tell me a little more about this wall around Quebec.”

The genie replies, “Well, it’s 150 feet high, 40 feet thick and it’s air tight so that no one can get in or out.”

“In that case,” says the Albertan, “fill the inside with water.”

During a performance for the high school drama class at the local theater, a hole was cracked in the stage floor.

Subsequent acts managed to avoid the damaged area until little Freddy, juggling bowling pins, accidentally stepped through the hole up to his knee.

He apologized to the audience for his clumsiness. But a heckler in the back of the theater shouted:

“Don’t worry, Freddy! It’s just a stage you’re going through!”