Funny Stories Jokes

knock knock

who’s there

madam

madam who

ma dam foot’s stuck in the door!!!

hahahahahahahahahahahaha!!!!!!!!!!

I was working in a wall street investment bank about 10 years ago when someone from the information technology group came by our office asking us to enter our passwords in the new sofware system.

My colleague, Barry, with his usual rebellious attitude, entered the password, “Penis.”

We nearly died laughing when the computer issued the following reply to his choice of passwords:

***PASSWORD REJECTED! TOO SHORT.***

A man and a woman walk into a very posh Rodeo Drive furrier. “Show the lady your finest languginous chinchilla coat!” the fellow exclaims.

So the owner of the shop goes in back and comes out with an absolutely gorgeous full-length coat. As the lady tries it on, the furrier sidles up to the guy and discreetly whispers, “Ah, sir, that particular fur goes for $65,000.”

“No problem! I’ll write you a check!”

“Very good, sir.” says the shop owner. “Today is Saturday. You may come by on Monday to pick it up, after the check has cleared.” So the man and the woman leave.

On Monday, the fellow returns. The store owner is outraged: “How dare you show your face in here?! There wasn’t a single penny in your checking account!!”

“I know,” grinned the man. “I just had to come by to thank you for the most wonderful weekend of my life!”

A tourist was passing through a small town one day. He went into a tavern to get a beer and he saw all the locals sitting around shouting out numbers and laughing.

He asked a man at the table next to him what was going on. The guy answered “We’ve been telling the same jokes over and over for years now, so for convenience we’ve numbered all our jokes. We simply yell out the number instead of telling the entire joke. It’s much easier that way.” It was now the man’s turn. “NUMBER 8!”

The crowd of people burst out in laughter as #8 was one of the more popular jokes here.

The tourist thought this looked like fun, so he decided he would try it. He shouted “NUMBER 9!”.

Silence. Nobody laughed. The tourist didn’t understand. “Why isn’t anybody laughing?” he whispered to the man next to him. “Is there not a joke #9?”

“Actually, #9 is very funny,” replied the man. “Unfortunately, some people just can’t tell a joke.”

Constipated People Don’t Give A Crap.

My Kid Got Your Honor Roll Student Pregnant.

If At First You Don’t Succeed…
Blame Someone Else And Seek Counseling.

You’re Just Jealous Because The Voices Are Talking To Me

This Would Be Really Funny If It Weren’t Happening To Me

Cleverly Disguised As A Responsible Adult

If We Quit Voting Will They All Go Away?

The Face Is Familiar But I Can’t Quite Remember My Name

Illiterate? Write For Help

I Refuse To Have A Battle Of Wits With An Unarmed Person

You! Out Of The Gene Pool!

I Do Whatever My Rice Krispies Tell Me To

Where Are We Going And Why Am I In This Handbasket?

It’s Been Lovely But I Have To Scream Now

I Haven’t Lost My Mind, It’s Backed Up On Disk Somewhere

If You Can Read This, Please Flip Me Back Over
[Seen Upside Down, On A Jeep]

Ax Me About Ebonics

Caution - Driver Legally Blonde!

Don’t Be Sexist - Broads Hate That

Heart Attacks… God’s Revenge For Eating His Animal Friends

Honk If You’ve Never Seen An Uzi Fired From A Car Window

How Many Roads Must A Man Travel Down, Before He Admits He Is Lost?