Funny Stories Jokes

10..You get a threatening note made up of letters cut out of a magazine with pinking shears, and they’re all the same size, the same font, and precisely lined up in a razor-sharp rows.

9..That telltale lemon slice in the dog’s water bowl.

8..On her TV show she makes a gingerbread house that looks exactly like your split-level, right down to the fallen-over licorice downspout and the stuck half-open graham cracker garage door.

7..You find your pet bunny on the stove in a exquisite tarragon, rose pedal and saffron demi-glace’, with pecan-crusted hearts of palm and delicate mint-fennel sauce.

6..The unmistakable aroma of potpourri follows you even after you leave the bathroom.

5..You discover that every napkin in the entire house has been folded into a swan.

4..No matter where you eat, your place setting always includes an oyster fork.

3..Twice this week you’ve been a victim of a drive by doilying.

2..You wake up in the hospital with a concussion… and endive stuffing in every orifice.

..and the NUMBER 1 Sign You’re Being Stalked by Martha Stewart…..

1..You awaken one morning with a glue gun pointed squarely at your temple…

One day there was three birds sitting on a tree branch trying to figure out which way to fly for winter.

Mommy bird said,”my insticts tell me to fly north for winter”.

Daddy bird said,”my instincts tell me to fly south for winter”.

Baby bird said,”well my end-stinks too, but I still don’t know where to go!”

A man walks into an agents office and says “I want to be on TV.”

The agent replies, “Well, what do you do?”

The Man says, “Well, I can’t sing or dance, but I can do this…” He pulls down his pants and starts to whistle ‘Dixie’ out of his Ass.

“THAT’S FANTASTIC!” the agent says, “Hang on a minute,” he picks up the phone and calls one of his agent friends, “Listen to this” he says to his friend excitedly and puts the telephone next to the man’s butt.

He starts to whistle the tune again in perfect rhythm. “What do you think of that?” he asks his co-hort.

“Just sounds like some ASSHOLE whistling Dixie to me!”

A modest man is in the hospital for a series of tests. One of the last tests has left his system upset. Upon making several false alarms to the bathroom he decided the latest was another. He completely filled his bed up with human waste and was embarrased beyond anything he could possibly face.

Losing his presence of mind, he jumped up, gathered up the bed sheets, and threw them out the hospital window.

A drunk was walking by the hospital when the sheets landed on him. He started yelling, cussing and swinging his arms which drew the attention of the security guard.

The security guard asked: “What’s going on?”

The drunk replied: “I just beat the shit out of a ghost.”

There were three ducks swimming and blowing bubbles in a lake. There was a sign that stated NO SWIMMING OR BLOWING BUBBLES IN THE LAKE. A policeman came by and saw the three ducks and arrested them.

When they appeared in court the judge told the first duck to approach the bench and state his name. The first duck said, “My name is Duck.” The judge asked, “What are you in for?” Duck responded, “For swimming and blowing bubbles.” Judge sentenced him to one night in the county jail.

Second duck approached the bench the judge asked him to state his name, second duck said, “Duck Duck.” Judge asked, “What are you in for?” Duck Duck responded, “For swimming and blowing bubbles.” The judge sentenced him to one night in the county jail.

Third duck approached the bench. The Judge said, “Don’t tell me, you must be Duck, Duck, Duck.” The third duck looked at him with a gleam in his eye and replied, “No I’m Bubbles!”