Funny Stories Jokes

“EVERYTHING COMES IN THREES”
Not true. In reality, everything comes in ones. Sometimes, when three “ones” come in a row, it seems like everything comes in threes. By the way, in medieval times it was widely believed that everything came in
twenty-sixes. They were wrong, too. It just took them longer to recognize the pattern.

“YOU CAN’T TAKE IT WITH YOU (When you die)”
Well….., that depends on what it is. If it’s your dark blue suit, you can certainly take it with you. In fact, not only can you take it with you, you can probably put some things in your pockets.

“YOU LEARN SOMETHING NEW EVERY DAY”
Actually, you learn something old every day. Just because you’ve just learned it doesn’t mean it’s new. Other people already knew it, Columbus is a good example of this.

“THE SKY’S THE LIMIT”
Well, how can the sky be the limit? The sky never ends. What kind of a limit is that? The earth is the limit. You dig a hole and what do you keep getting? More earth. The earth is the limit.

“YOU GET WHAT YOU PAY FOR”
Clearly this is not true. Have you been shopping recently? Only a very naive person would believe that you get what you pay for. In point of fact, if you check your purchases carefully, you’ll find that you get whatever
they feel like giving you. And if corporations get any more powerful, you soon might not even get that.

“TOMORROW IS ANOTHER DAY”
Not necessarily true. Today is another day. We have no idea what tomorrow is going to be. It might turn out to be another day, but we can’t be sure. If it happens, I’ll be the first to say so. But, you know what? By that time, it will be today again.

“NICE GUYS FINISH LAST”
Not true. Studies have shown that, on average, nice guys finish third in a field of six. Actually, short guys finish last. By the way, in medieval times it was widely believed that nice guys finished twenty-sixth. You can
see how limited those people were.

“IF YOU’VE SEEN ONE, YOU’VE SEEN THEM ALL”
Do we even have to talk about this one? This should be obvious. If you’ve seen one, you’ve seen … one. If you’ve seen them all, *then* you’ve seen them all. I don’t even understand how this one got started.

“THOSE WERE THE DAYS”
No. Those were the nights! Think back. Weren’t the nights better? Days you had to work. Nights you went to parties, danced, drank and got laid. “Those were the nights!”

“THERE’S NO SUCH THING AS A FREE LUNCH”
What about when you eat at home? I don’t pay when I eat lunch at home - it’s FREE! Sometimes I’ll leave a tip, but basically, it’s a free lunch. Yes, I know we had to buy the food at the store. But as the Zen Buddhists say, ‘The Food Is Not the Lunch’.

“YOU PAY YOUR MONEY, AND YOU TAKE YOUR CHANCES”
I think what I said earlier still applies” You pay your money and you take whatever they jolly well give you. Actually, when you get right down to it, you pay your money and you lose your money.

“EVERYBODY HAS HIS PRICE”
Not so. Would you believe there are millions of people who do not have their price? Thanks to a government mix-up, many people have their neighbors price.

“THEY DON’T MAKE ‘EM LIKE THEY USED TO”
Actually they do make ‘em like they used to, they just don’t sell ‘em anymore. They make ‘em, and then they keep ‘em.

“TWO WRONGS DON’T MAKE A RIGHT”
Well, it just so happens that two wrongs do make a right. Not only that, but as the number of wrongs increases, the whole thing goes up exponentially. So that while two wrongs make one right, and four wrongs make two rights, it actually takes sixteen wrongs to make three rights, and
256 wrongs to make four rights. It seems to me that anyone who is stringing together 256 wrongs needs counseling, not mathematics.

“IF IT’S NOT ONE THING, IT’S ANOTHER”
No, not always. Sometimes if it’s not one thing, not only is it not another, but it turns out to be something else entirely.

“YOU CAN’T WIN THEM ALL”
Not true. Believe it or not, there is a man somewhere in Illinois who, so far, has won them all. But don’t get too excited; it has also been discovered that it is possible to lose them all. By the way, there is no record of anyone having tied them all.

“YOU CAN’T HAVE IT BOTH WAYS”
That depends on how intimately you know the other person. Maybe you can’t have it both ways at once, but if you’ve got a little time, you can probably have it six or seven ways.

“THINGS HAVE TO GET BETTER, THEY CAN’T GET ANY WORSE”
This is an example of truly faulty logic. Just because things can’t get any worse, is no reason to believe they have to get better. They might just stay the same. And, by the way, who says things can’t get any worse? For
many people, things get worse and worse and worse and worse.

“NOBODY EVER SAID THAT LIFE WAS FAIR”
I specifically remember as I was growing up, at least twelve different people, telling me life was fair. One person put it this way; “Life, you will find, is fair.” Oddly enough, all twelve of those people died before the age of twenty-seven.

“IT TAKES TWO TO TANGO”
Sounds good, but simple reasoning will reveal that actually it takes only one to tango. It does take two to tango together, maybe. But one person is certainly capable of tangoing on his own. He just might look a little silly.

“THERE’S A SUCKER BORN EVERY MINUTE, AND TWO TO TAKE HIM”
This may have been true in the past, but now, if you adjust for the increased population base, birth control, and the so-called moral decline, not only are there five suckers born every minute, there are now
fifty-three to take him.

“WHAT YOU DON’T KNOW WON’T HURT YOU”
Why don’t we just ask Julius Caesar and John F. Kennedy about this one?

“LIFE IS SHORT”
Sorry. Life is not short, it’s just that everything else lasts so long -mountains, rivers, stars, planets - life seems short. Actually life lasts just the right amount of time. Until you die. Death on the other hand….is very, very short!

A grandmother was telling her granddaughter what her own childhood had been like . . . “We used to skate outside on a pond. I had a swing made from a tire; it hung from a tree in our front yard. We rode our pony. We picked wild raspberries in the woods.”

The little girl was wide-eyed, taking all this in. At last she said, “Gramma, I sure wish I’d gotten to know you sooner!”

A guy walks into the local welfare office, marches straight up tp the counter and says, “Hi..You know, I just hate drawing welfare. I’d really rather have a job.” The social worker behind the counter says, “Your timing is excellent! We just got a job opening from a very wealthy old man who wants a chauffer andbodyguard for his beautiful nymphomaniac daughter. You’ll have to drive around in his Mercedes, but he’ll supply all of your clothes. Because of the long hours, meals will be provided. You’ll be expected to escourt her on her overseas holiday trips. You will have to satisfy her sexual urges. You’ll be provided a two-bedroom apartment above the garage. The starting salary is $200,000 a year.” The guy, wide-eyed, says, “You’re bullshittin’ me!” The social worker says, “Yeah, well…you started it.”

When my printer’s type began to grow faint, I called a local repair shop, where a friendly man informed me that the printer probably only needed to be cleaned. Since the store charged $50 for such cleanings, he told me I might be better off reading the printer’s manual and trying to do the job myself.

Pleasantly surprised by his candor, I asked, “Does your boss know that you discourage business this way?”

“Actually, it’s my boss’ idea,” the employee replied, sheepishly. “We usually make more money on repairs, if we let people try to fix things themselves first.”

One day a mouse came upon an elephant in the jungle who had gotten a thorn in its foot.

The mouse felt sorry for the elephant, and pulled the thorn out.

The elephant was indeed grateful, and offered the mouse anything it wanted in return for the good deed.

The mouse, noticing that the elephant was female, and feeling rather randy at the time, said: “Well, I’ve always wanted to fuck an elephant.”

The elephant laughed and laughed, and said:”No problem.” and raised the mouse up to her back with her trunk.

The mouse walked to the back of the elephant, who held her tail out of the way, and got started.

Just then a coconut fell from a palm tree and hit the elephant on the head. “Ouch.” She said.

The mouse said: “Take it all, bitch!”