Funny Stories Jokes

One day a little red man came home from work in his little red car and parked on his little red driveway. He got out and walked up his little red path into his little red house. He walked up his little red stairs and into his little red bathroom. He took his little red clothes off and walk into his little red shower.

After his shower he put his little red towel around himself, walked out of his little red bathroom, down his little red stairs, out his little red door, down his little red path, down his little red driveway to the side of the road.

Then a lady crossed to the little red man’s side of the road and when she was halfway the little red man’s towel fell off!! Then a car hit the woman.

What is the moral of this story?
Don’t cross the road while the little red man is flashing!!

Bill: “There are a few issues we need to discuss.”

Contractor: “Ah, you have our basic support option. Calls are free for the first 90 days and $75 a call thereafter. Okay?”

Bill: “Uh, yeah… the first issue is the living room. We think it’s a little smaller than we anticipated.”

Contractor: “Yeah. Some compromises were made to have it out by the release date.”

Bill: “We won’t be able to fit all our furniture in there.”

Contractor: “Well, you have two options. You can purchase a new, larger living room; or you can use a Stacker.”

Bill: “Stacker?”

Contractor: “Yeah, it allows you to fit twice as much furniture into the room. By stacking it, of course, you put the entertainment center on the couch… the chairs on the
table… etc. You leave an empty spot, so when you want to
use some furniture you can unstack what you need and then put it back when you’re done.”

Bill: “Uh… I dunno… issue two. The second issue is the light fixtures. The bulbs we brought with us from our old home won’t fit. The threads run the wrong way.”

Contractor: “Oh! That’s easy. Those bulbs aren’t plug and play. You’ll have to upgrade to the new bulbs.”

Bill: “And the electrical outlets? The holes are round, not
rectangular. How do I fix that?”

Contractor: “Just uninstall and reinstall the electrical system.”

Bill: “You’re kidding!?”

Contractor: “Nope. Its the only way.”

Bill: “Well… I have one last problem. Sometimes, when I have guests over, someone will flush the toilet and it won’t stop. The water pressure drops so low that the showers don’t work.”

Contractor: “That’s a resource leakage problem. One fixture is failing to terminate and is hogging the resources preventing access from other fixtures.

“Bill: “And how do I fix that?”

Contractor: “Well, after each flush, you all need to exit the house, turn off the water at the street, turn it back on, reenter the house and then you can get back to work.”

Bill: “That’s the last straw. What kind of product are you selling me?”

Contractor: “Hey, if you don’t like it nobody made you buy it.”

Bill: “And when will this be fixed?”

Contractor: “Oh, in your next house — which will be ready to release sometime near the end of next year. Actually it was due out this year, but we’ve had some delays…”

A police officer in his car sees a driver out in the open turn on a red light. The cop drives up to the car right away, pulls it over and walks to the driver, seeing that it was a foreigner.

“That was a red light over there.”

She replied, “I know, so?”

“Well, in this country, you can’t turn on a red light.”

“But the sign said no right turns on red so I made a left.”

Knock Knock?
Who’s there?
Dick!
Dick who?
Dick em up, I’m a tongue-tied wobber

A giant panda walks into a restaurant, sits down at a table, and orders a salad from his waiter.

The panda eats his salad and then takes out a gun and starts shooting all the other customers.

When he’s finished, the waiter asks him, “What are you doing shooting all my other customers??” The panda looks over at him and tells him to look up “giant panda” in the dictionary. The panda then walks out of the restaurant.

Confused, the waiter pulls out a dictionary where he reads that a giant panda “eats shoots and leaves.”