Funny Stories Jokes

knock,knock

who’s there?

“madam”

madam who?

madam foot got stuck under the door…

One of the funniest “most-embarrassing-moment” stories I’ve come upon in a long time was about a lady who picked up several items at a discount store.

When she finally got up to the checker, she learned that one of her items had no price tag. Imagine her embarrassment when the checker got on the intercom and boomed out for all the store to hear: “PRICE CHECK ON LANE THIRTEEN, TAMPAX, SUPERSIZE.”

That was bad enough, but somebody at the rear of the store apparently misunderstood the word “tampax” for TACKS.” In a business-like tone, a voice boomed back over the intercom: “DO YOU WANT THE KIND YOU PUSH IN WITH YOUR THUMB OR THE KIND YOU POUND IN WITH A HAMMER?”

Based on what you know about him in history books, what do you think Abraham Lincoln would be doing if he were alive today?
1. Writing his memoirs of the Civil War.
2. Advising the President.
3. Desperately clawing at the inside of his coffin.

An able-bodied seaman meets a pirate in a bar, and they take turns recounting their adventures at sea.

Noting the pirate’s peg-leg, hook, and eye patch the seaman asks, “So, how did you end up with the peg-leg?”

The pirate replies, “We was caught in a monster storm off the cape and a giant wave swept me overboard. Just as they were pullin’ me out a school of sharks appeared and one of ‘em bit me leg off”.

“Blimey!” said the seaman. “What about the hook”?

“Ahhhh…” mused the pirate, “We were boardin’ a trader ship, pistols blastin’ and swords swingin’ this way and that. In the fracas me hand got chopped off.”

“Zounds!” remarked the seaman. “And how came ye by the eye patch?”

“A seagull droppin’ fell into me eye” answered the pirate.

“You lost your eye to a seagull dropping?” the sailor asked incredulously.

“Well…” said the pirate, “..it was me first day with the hook..”

One night a guy walked into a bar and asked the bartender for 12 shots of whiskey.

When the bartender handed them over, the guy drank them in 10 seconds.

When the bartender asked why he was drinking so fast, he replied, “You would too if you had what I got.”

The bartender asked, “What do you got?”

The guy paused for a moment and then said, “35 cents!”