Funny Stories Jokes

A first grade teacher collected well known proverbs. She gave each kid in the class the first half of the proverb and asked them to come up with the rest. Here is is how they answered:

It’s always darkest before………
daylight savings times.

You can lead a horse to water but …..how?

Don’t bite the hand that…..looks dirty.

A penny saved is…….not much.

Children should be seen and not….. spanked or grounded.

There is no fool like…….Aunt Edie.

Laugh and the whole world laughs with you. Cry and…….you have to blow your nose.

A lady on her first visit to Yellowstone National Park said to her guide, “Look at all those big rocks! Wherever did they come from?”

“The glaciers brought them down,” said the guide.

“But where are the glaciers now?” asked the lady.

“The glaciers,” said the guide in a weary voice, “have gone back for more rocks.”

“Oh,” said the lady.

A guy walks into a bar, sits down next to this beautiful girl and starts looking at his watch. The girl notices this, and asks him if his date is late.

“No,” he replies. “I’ve just got this new state of the art watch, and I was just about to test it.”

“What does it do?” she asks.

“It uses alpha waves, to telepathically talk to me,” he answers.

“What’s it telling you now?” she asks.

“Well, it says you’re not wearing any panties,” he answers.

“Ha!!! It must be broken then, because I am!” she counters.

He slyly replies, “Damn! This silly thing’s an hour fast.”

A drunk gets on a transit bus. The driver, impatient while the drunk fumbles in his pocket for change, drives off. As the bus starts rolling, the drunk reacts to the sudden movement by stumbling all the way to the back of the bus. The bus stops at the next stop. He reacts by stumbling to the front of the bus. Still the man is fumbling in his pockets for change. The bus jerks forward once again, and the drunk stumbles uncontrollably to the back of the bus. Next stop, the same thing happens. Every time the bus stops, the man would stagger to the front. Every time the bus starts, he staggers uncontrollably to the back. A few stops later the drunk exits the the bus from the front.

“Hey”, shouts the bus driver… “You didn’t pay your fare yet!”

The drunk, reeling, shouts back “And I’m not going to!….. I walked all the way!”

Mother: “What did your father say when he learned you’re pregnant?”

Daughter: “Shall I leave out the profanity?”

Mother: “Yes, of course!”

Daughter: “Nothing.”