Funny Stories Jokes

Tarzan and Jane were lying in bed early one Sunday morning. Gently, Tarzan rolled over towards Jane and started to give her a playful shoulder massage. “Oh Tarzan”, she said… “Not now dear. I’m still sleepy, and besides, I’m hungry Why don’t you go out and find us something for breakfast.”

Tarzan grudgingly slipped on his loin cloth, stretched his muscular torso, and grabbed the first vine, heading off into the jungle. The sun was shining and all the animals of his kingdom were up and about. Tarzan stopped to talk to the zebras, play with the elephants, and take a swim in the river. He was enjoying the clear jungle morning, and the animals were enjoying his company.

Before long , Tarzan realized he had lost track of time. Jane would be waiting for breakfast, and probably upset that he was not back. He grabbed a vine and started swinging towards his tree top home, looking for something suitable for a breakfast meal. He saw too golden birds fluttering above him, and with a Tarzan-like move he swung around, switched vines, and swooped down on the two golden birds, breaking their necks cleanly and slipping them into his loin cloth. Continuing on his journey home he saw a small chimpanzee loitering on a tree limb. Quickly and silently he grabbed the ape, killed him with a single blow, and slung him over his shoulder (sorry, Cheetah!)

Arriving home, Jane was up, in the kitchen, setting the table. Tarzan proudly slung the chimpanzee onto the kitchen table, and removed the two golden birds from his loin cloth. Taking out his knife, Jane turned, looked at Tarzan and the feast on the table and said….”Oh Tarzan, not Finch and Chimps again”

At a fund raising activity a few years ago in Houston, I met a young man who informed me that he was attending “Texas P&M University”. I asked him why he called it that, instead of “Texas A&M University.” He explained, “I’m taking night courses.”

Twenty-four hours in a day, twenty-four beers in a case.
Coincidence?
I think not!

Last words spoken at the Last Supper:
“Everyone who wants to be in the picture, get on this side of the table.”

Why are there so many Smiths and Johnsons in the phone book?
They all have phones.

A Freudian slip is when you say one thing but you mean your mother.

Shouldn’t there be a shorter word for “monosyllabic?”

Did you know that half of all people are below average?

If I could have a conversation with anyone, living or dead, I’d choose the one who’s living.

A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. Now you know why they call it a workstation.

Chicken coops have two doors because if they had four doors they’d be chicken sedans.

Why do seagulls fly over the sea? Because if they flew over the bay, they’d be bagels.

Know what’s brown and sticky?
A stick.

If you cross a pit bull with a collie, you get a dog that rips your leg off and then runs for help.

Did you hear about the flasher who was thinking of retiring? He decided to stick it out for one more year.

If at first you don’t succeed, skydiving is definitely not for you.

The early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

Why is it called a building when it’s already been built?

Sometimes I feel like a man trapped in a woman’s body. But luckily that man is gay, so no one seems to notice.

Everybody is somebody else’s weirdo.

Can an elephant jump higher than a lamppost?
Yes, lampposts can’t jump.

How do you make an elephant fly?
First, you start with a 48 inch zipper….

ACCOUNTANTS are good with figures.
ACTORS do it on cue.
ADVERTISERS use the “new, improved” method.
AMBULANCE DRIVERS come quicker.
ARCHAEOLOGISTS like it old.
ARCHITECTS have great plans.
ARTISTS are exhibitionists.
ASSEMBLY LINE WORKERS do it over and over.
ASTRONOMERS do it with Uranus.
ATTORNEYS make better motions.
AUDITORS like to examine figures.
BABYSITTERS charge by the hour.
BAILIFFS always come to order.
BAKERS knead it daily.
BAND MEMBERS play all night.
BANKERS do it with interest - penalty for early withdrawal.
BARBERS do it with shear pleasure.
BARTENDERS do it on the rocks.
BASEBALL PLAYERS make it to first base.
BASKETBALL PLAYERS score more often.
BEEKEEPERS like to eat their honey.
BEER BREWERS do it with more hops.
BEER DRINKERS get more head.
BICYCLISTS do it with 10 speeds.
BOOKKEEPERS do it with double entry.
BOSSES delegate the task to others.
BOWLERS have bigger balls.
BRICKLAYERS lay all day.
BRIDGE PLAYERS try to get a rubber.
BUS DRIVERS come early and pull out on time.
BUTCHERS have better meat.
CB’ers do it on the air.
CAMPERS do it in a tent.
CARPENTERS hammer it harder.
CARPET LAYERS do it on the floor.
CHEERLEADERS do it with more enthusiasm.
CHEMISTS like to experiment.
CHESSPLAYERS check their mates.
CHIROPRACTORS do it by manipulation.
CLOCK MAKERS do it mechanically.
CLOWNS do it for laughs.
COACHES whistle while they work.
COBOL PROGRAMMERS do it with bugs.
COCKTAIL WAITRESSES serve highballs.
COMPUTER GAME PLAYERS just can’t stop.
COMPUTER OPERATORS get the most out of their software.
CONSTRUCTION WORKERS lay a better foundation.
CONSULTANTS tell other how to do it.
COPS have bigger guns.
COWBOYS handle anything horny.
COWGIRLS like to ride bareback.
CRANE OPERATORS have swinging balls.
CREDIT MANAGERS always collect.
DANCERS do it in leaps and bounds.
DEADHEADS do it with Jerry.
DEER HUNTERS will do anything for a buck.
DENTAL HYGIENISTS do it till it hurts.
DENTISTS do it in your mouth.
DETECTIVES do it under cover.
DIETICIANS eat better.
DIRECT MAILERS get it in the sack.
DIVERS do it deeper.
DOCTORS do it with patience.
DRUGGISTS fill your prescription.
DRUMMERS do it in 4/4 time.
DRYWALLERS are better bangers.
ELECTRICIANS check your shorts.
ENGINEERS charge by the hour.
EXECUTIVES have large staffs.
FARMERS spread it around.
FIREMEN are always in heat.
FISHERMEN are proud of their rods.
FOOTBALL PLAYERS are measured by the yard.
FOUR-WHEELERS eat more bush.
FURRIERS appreciate good beaver.
GARBAGEMEN come once a week.
GARDENERS have 50 foot hoses.
GAS STATION ATTENDANTS pump all day.
GEOLOGISTS are great explorers.
GOLFERS do it in 18 holes.
GYMNASTS mount and dismount well.
HACKERS do it with fewer instructions.
HAIRDRESSERS give the best blow jobs.
HAM OPERATORS do it with frequency.
HANDYMEN like good screws.
HORSEBACK RIDERS stay in the saddle longer.
HUNTERS do it with a bang.
INSURANCE SALESMEN are premium lovers.
INTERIOR DECORATORS do it all over the house.
INVENTORS find a way.
JANITORS clean up afterwards.
JEWELERS mount real gems.
JOGGERS do it on the run.
LANDSCAPERS plant it deeper.
LAWYERS do it in their briefs.
LIBRARIANS do it quietly.
LOCKSMITHS can get into anything.
LONG DISTANCE RUNNERS last longer.
MACHINISTS make the best screws.
MAGICIANS are quicker than the eye.
MAINTENANCE MEN sweep ‘em off their feet.
MANAGERS supervise others.
MARKETING REPs do it on commission.
MILKMEN deliver twice a week.
MILLIONAIRES pay to have it done.
MINERS sink deeper shafts.
MINISTERS do it on Sundays.
MISSILEMEN have better thrust.
MODELS do it in any position.
MODEM MANUFACTURERS do it with all sorts of characters.
MOTORCYCLISTS like something hot between their legs.
MOVIE STARS do it on film.
MUSICIANS do it with rhythm.
NONSMOKERS do it without huffing and puffing.
NURSES call the shots.
OCEANOGRAPHERS do it down under.
OPERATORS do it person-to-person.
OPTOMETRISTS do it face-to-face.
PAINTERS do it with longer strokes.
PARAMEDICS do it to those in need.
PHOTOGRAPHERS do it with a flash.
PHYSICISTS do it with uniform harmonic motion.
PILOTS keep it up longer.
PLUMBERS do it under the sink.
POLICEMEN like big busts.
POLITICIANS do it for 4 years then have to get re-erected.
POSTMEN come slower.
PRINTERS do it without wrinkling the sheets.
PRINTERS reproduce the fastest.
PROCTOLOGISTS do it in the end.
PROFESSORS do it by the book.
RACERS like to come in first.
RACQUETBALL PLAYERS do it off the wall.
RADIO and TV ANNOUNCERS broadcast it.
REAL ESTATE PEOPLE know all the prime spots.
RECYCLERS use it again.
REPAIRMEN can fix anything.
REPORTERS do it daily.
RESEARCHERS are still looking for it.
RETAILERS move their merchandise.
ROOFERS do it on top.
RUNNERS get into more pants.
SAILORS like to be blown.
SALESPEOPLE have away with their tongues.
SCIENTISTS discovered it.
SECRETARIES do it from 9 to 5.
SKYDIVERS are good till the last drop.
SOCCER PLAYERS have leather balls.
SPEECH PATHOLOGISTS are oral specialists.
SPELUNKERS do it underground.
SPORTSCASTERS like an instant replay.
STEWARDESSES do it in the air.
STUDENTS use their heads.
SURGEONS are smooth operators.
TAILORS make it fit.
TAXI DRIVERS do it all over town.
TAXIDERMISTS mount anything.
TELEPHONE CO. EMPLOYEES let their fingers do the walking.
TELLERS can handle all deposits and withdrawals.
TENNIS PLAYERS have fuzzy balls.
TRUCK DRIVERS have bigger dipsticks.
TRUCKERS carry bigger loads.
TYPISTS do it in triplicate.
VETERINARIANS are pussy lovers.
VOLLEYBALL PLAYERS keep it up.
WAITRESSES serve it piping hot.
WATER SKIERS come down harder.
WELDERS have hotter rods.
WRESTLERS know the best holds.WRITERS have novel ways.

Once upon a time in US of A, there was a stingy asshole, Mr.XYZ who used to never pay the driver for the cab he had hired; he just tells the driver that his cab won’t face any problems for a couple of months and that he will pray for the well-being of the cab-driver and his family. So all the cab drivers got together and vowed that who so ever takes Mr.XYZ for a ride and does not get the full fare from him, the others will burn his cab to ashes.

So one fine day this stingy asshole, Mr.XYZ wants to go for a ride. He approaches a cab-driver and says that he wants to go for a ride, but the cab-driver refuses saying that if he doesn’t pay the fare his cab will be burnt to ashes. Then all of a sudden Mr.XYZ removes a bundle of $100 bills saying that from today he will pay the fare as he has won a jackpot.

So the cab-driver takes Mr.XYZ for a ride to the country and brings him back to the same place where he had picked up Mr.XYZ. Then the cab-driver tells Mr.XYZ that the fare for the ride was $200. Mr.XYZ pays only $100 and when the driver asks him, “Why are you paying only half the fare?”

Mr.XYZ proudly replies, “I’m only paying for my share, you came for the ride too!!!”