Funny Stories Jokes

Little Johnny comes home from school at the end of a term with his report card. The report card has all D’s and F’s.

His parents start lecturing him, and Johnny explains that everyone in his class did poorly, not just him.

“But what about David down the street?” they said. “HE brought home all A’s and B’s.”

“Well, David is different,” he retorted.

“How so?” his father asked.

“Cuz his parents are smart!”

Three Trailer Trash brothers, Buford, Daryl and Daryl, go out on the lake fishin in a canoe. Purty soon, Daryl an Daryl get to rasslin in the canoe and sure enough it turns over. Now Buford he smart but he cain’t swim none, so he drowns while Daryl and Daryl they get picked up by Luke McCoy who is also out thar fishin.

The next day, Sheriff Will Harmon, he sends his deputy to bring Daryl and Daryl down to make positive identification on Buford’s body which a couple a froggers pulled out a the lake early this mornin. So thar on a gurney in the parkin lot aside the Sheriff’s office is the nekked remains a Buford, lyin on his back.

“That your brother Buford?” asks the Sheriff.

“Turn him over” says Daryl.

“Yeah, turn him over” says Daryl’s brother Daryl.

So even though Sheriff Will he don’t understand this none, he turns over Buford’s body.

“Nah, that there ain’t Buford” says Daryl.

“That cain’t be Buford”says Daryl’s brother Daryl.

“Why cain’t it be Buford?” asks Will Harmon.

“This guy only got one asshole” says Daryl.

“Yeah,” says Daryl’s brother Daryl. “Whenever we go into town, people always say, “Here comes Buford with the two assholes.”

Three convicts were on the way to prison. They were each allowed to take one item with them to help them occupy their time while incarcerated.

On the bus, one turned to another and said, “So, what did you bring?”

The second convict pulled out a box of paints and stated that he intended to paint anything he could. He wanted to become the “Van Gogh of Jail”.

Then he asked the first, “What did you bring?” The first convict pulled out a deck of cards and grinned and said, “I brought cards. I can play poker, solitaire and gin, and any number of games.” The third convict was sitting quietly aside, grinning to himself. The other two took notice and asked, “Why are you so smug? What did you bring?”

The guy pulled out a box of tampons and smiled. He said “I brought these.” The other two were puzzled and asked - “What can you do with those?”

He grinned and pointed to the box and said - “Well according to the box, I can go horseback riding, swimming, roller-skating….”

Two vampires walked into a bar and called for the bartender.

“I’ll have a glass of blood,” said one.

“I’ll have a glass of plasma,” said the other.

“Okay,” replied the bartender, “that’ll be one Blood and one Blood Lite.”

Two guys are driving through Alabama when they get pulled over by a state trooper. The trooper walks up and taps on the window with his nightstick. The driver rolls down the window and the trooper smacks him in the head with the stick. The driver says, “Why’d you do that?”

The trooper says, “You’re in Alabama, son. When I pull you over, you’ll have your license and registration ready.”
The driver says, “I’m sorry, officer, I’m not from around here.”

The trooper runs a check on the guy’s license and registration, and he comes up clean. He gives the guy his license and registration back and walks around to the passenger side and taps on the window. The passenger rolls his window down and the trooper smacks him in the head with the nightstick.

The passenger says, “What’d you do that for?”

The cop says, “Just making your wishes come true.”

The passenger, baffled, says, “Huh?”

The cop replies, “I know that two miles down the road you’re gonna say, ‘I wish that dickhead would’ve tried that shit with me.’”