Funny Stories Jokes

I think Santa Claus is a woman….

I hate to be the one to defy sacred myth, but I believe he’s a she. Think about it. Christmas is a big, organized, warm, fuzzy, nurturing social deal, and I have a tough time believing a guy could possibly pull it all off!

For starters, the vast majority of men don’t even think about selecting gifts until Christmas Eve. It’s as if they are all frozen in some kind of ebenezerian Time Warp until 3 p.m. on Dec. 24th, when they - with amazing calm - call other errant men and plan for a last-minute shopping spree. Once at the mall, they always seem surprised to find only Ronco products, socket wrench sets, and mood rings left on the shelves. You might think this would send them into a fit of panic and guilt, but my husband tells me it’s an enormous relief because it lessens the 11th hour decision-making burden. On this count alone, I’m convinced Santa is a woman. Surely, if he were a man, everyone in the universe would wake up Christmas morning to find a rotating, musical Chia Pet under the tree, still in the bag.

Another problem for a he-Santa would be getting there. First of all, there would be no reindeer because they would all be dead, gutted and strapped on to the rear bumper of the sleigh amid wide-eyed, desperate claims that buck season had been extended. Blitzen’s rack would already be on the way to the taxidermist.

Even if the male Santa DID have reindeer, he’d still have transportation problems because he would inevitably get lost up there in the snow and clouds and then refuse to stop and ask for directions. Add to this the fact that there would be unavoidable delays in the chimney, where the Bob Vila-like Santa would stop to inspect and repoint bricks in the flue. He would also need to check for carbon monoxide fumes in every gas fireplace, and get under every Christmas tree that is crooked to straighten it to a perfectly upright 90-degree angle.

Other reasons why Santa can’t possibly be a man:

* Men can’t pack a bag.
* Men would rather be dead than caught wearing red velvet.
* Men would feel their masculinity is threatened… having to be seen with all those elves.
* Men don’t answer their mail.
* Men would refuse to allow their physique to be described even in jest as anything remotely resembling a “bowlful of jelly.”
* Men aren’t interested in stockings unless somebody’s wearing them.
* Having to do the Ho Ho Ho thing would seriously inhibit their ability to pick up women.
* Finally, being responsible for Christmas would require a commitment.

I can buy the fact that other mythical characters are men….
Father Time shows up once a year unshaven and looking ominous. Definite guy. Cupid flies around carrying weapons. Uncle Sam is a politician who likes to point fingers. Any one of these individuals could pass the testosterone screening test. But not St. Nick. Not a chance. However, as long as we have each other, good will, peace on earth, faith and Nat King Cole’s version of “The Christmas Song”, it probably makes little difference what gender Santa is.

Three sons left home, went out on their own and prospered. Getting back together, they discussed the gifts they were able to give their elderly mother.

The first said, “I built a big house for our mother.”

The second said, “I sent her a Mercedes with a driver.” The third smiled and said, “I’ve got you both beat. You remember how mom enjoyed reading the Bible? And you know she can’t see very well anymore. So I sent her a remarkable parrot that recites the entire Bible. It took elders in the church 12 years to teach him. He’s one of a kind. Mama just has to name the chapter and verse, and the parrot recites it.”

Soon thereafter, mom sent out her letters of thanks:

“Milton,” she wrote one son, “The house you built is so huge. I live in only one room, but I have to clean the whole house.”

“Gerald,” she wrote to another, “I am too old to travel. I stay most of the time at home, so I rarely use the Mercedes. And the driver is so rude!”

“Dearest Donald,” she wrote to her third son, “You have the good sense to know what your mother likes. The chicken was delicious.”

SOUTHERN SAYINGS…..
1. “Well, butter my butt and call me a biscuit.”
2. “It’s been hotter’n a goat’s butt in a pepper patch.”
3. “He fell out of the ugly tree and hit every branch on
the way down.”
4. “Have a cup of coffee, it’s already been ’saucered and
blowed.’”
5. “She’s so stuck up, she’d drown in a rainstorm.”
6. “It’s so dry, the trees are bribing the dogs.”
7. “My cow died last night so I don’t need your bull.”
8. “Don’t pee down my back and tell me it’s raining.”
9. “He’s as country as cornflakes.”
10. “This is gooder’n grits.”
11. “Busier than a cat covering crap on a marble floor.”
12. “If things get any better, I may have to hire someone
to help me enjoy it.”
13. “Tie my face to the side of a pig and roll me in the
me in the mud.
14. “Hotter than a $2 pistol.”
15. “Enough wringkles to hold an eight day rain.”
16. “I’m so hungry I’m fartin’ cobwebs.”
17. “Shit fire and save the matches.”
18. “Living high off the hog.”
19. “Slow as molasses.”
20. “Grinnin’ like a mule eatin’ briers.”
21. “Lord, I fell like I’ been rode hard and put up wet.”
22. “I feel like I been drug through a knot hole
back’ards and beat over the head with buzzard guts.”
23. “Hotter than a cut-goat in a brier patch.”
24. “Happier than a fat tick on a skinny dog.”
25. “One can short of a six-pack.”
26. “One frame short of a full roll.”
27. “Now we’re shitting in high cotton.”
28. “She’s so ugly she’d knock a buzzard off a shit
wagon.”
29. “As full as a tick.”
30. “I feel worse than a dog that just puked and ate it.”
31. “Feel like I’ been caught between a dog and a fire
hydrant.”
32. “Went to shit and the hogs ate ‘em.”
33. “Happier than a dead pig in shit.”
34. “Dumb as dirt.”
35. “Colder than an old maids bed in March.”
36. “She’s so ugly she’d make a freight train take a dirt
road.”
37. “She’s so ugly she’d knock a dog off a meat truck.”
38. “Finer that frogs’ hair.”
39. “That puts a hitch in my giddy-up, (or get-along.)”
40. “Colder than a well-digger’s butt.”
41. “Slicker than owl shit on a July morning.”
42. “Busier than a one-legged man in an ass-kicking
contest.”
43. “Busier than a one-armed paper-hanger.”
44. “(the rain) sounds like a cow peein’ on a flat rock.”
45. “cuter than a speckled pup.”
46. “cuter than a mess of fried catfish.”
47. “If I was any happier I’d be twins.”
48. “He ain’t got sense God promised a billy goat on a good day.”

“Mommy, mommy, I don’t want a pool no more.” The mother answers, “Shut up and keep spitting!”

A young girl about 12 walked into a barber shop eating a chocolate chip cookie.

“Is that a good cookie?” asked the barber when she sat down to cut her hair. “Oh, yes,” said the girl.

“Would you mind putting it down while I cut your hair?” asked the barber. “I’d rather not,” retorted the girl.

“OK,” said the barber. The barber started cutting her hair and soon some of the hair started to fall on the cookie.

“You know, you’re getting hair on your cookie,” said the barber.

“I know, and I’m growing breasts too!”