Funny Stories Jokes

A New Hampshireman stops by a cafe for breakfast. After paying the tab, he checks his pockets and leaves his tip of three pennies.

As he strides toward the door, his waitress muses, only half to herself: “You know, you can tell a lot about a man by the tip he leaves.”

The man turns around, curiosity getting the better of him. “Oh, really? Tell me, what does my tip say?”

“Well, this penny tells me you’re a thrifty man.”

Barely able to conceal his pride, the man utters, “Hmmmm, true enough.”

“And this penny, it tells me you’re a bachelor.”

Surprised at her perception, he says, “Well, that’s true, too.”

“And the third penny tells me that your father was one, too.”

When I lived in a dorm, one of the favorite intramural sports was water fights–dousing and bombarding one another with water from squirt guns, glasses, balloons, even wastebaskets. Since each room had a sink, there was endless ammunition. The most frequent target was the Resident Assistant.

Approaching his room one afternoon, he noticed his door was ajar. Looking up, he saw a pail of water balanced on the door’s edge, ready to fall on him. As he took down the pail and emptied it into his sink, he though, “Those crazy guys actually thought they could fool me with that old gag!”

It was then that he realized we’d removed the drainpipe beneath the sink.

A man has a glass eye, and every night he takes it out and puts it in a glass of water. One morning, half asleep, he picks up the glass and swallows his glass eye. The eye travels almost through his system, but gets stuck in the last mile. Things are starting to back up.

The guy goes to his Dr. and tells the Dr. he has a pain in his lower back. He says nothing about the glass eye. The Dr. gets him up on the examining table, starts to look up this guy’s ass, and sees the glass eye staring back at him.

He says to the guy,.. “Look, you have to learn to trust me!”

Three football fans were driving down the road together, when they spied something laying on the side of the road. Upon investigating, they discovered a dead young woman, who was lying face up, and competely nude.

The first football fan removed his Green Bay Packers cap and placed it over her right breast. The second football fan removed his San Francisco 49er cap and placed it over her left breast. The third football fan removed his Dallas Cowboys cap and placed it over her private area. They then called the State Police, and waited for their arrival.

Upon arriving, a young State Trooper began to inspect the body. First he removed the Packers cap, looked under it and quickly replaced it. He then removed the 49ers cap and quickly replaced it too. He then removed the Cowboys cap and stared beneath it with a puzzled look. He replaced it, but soon lifted it again, looked again, and replaced it again.

By this time, the Cowboys fan was beginning to get upset with the trooper, and said… “Why do you keep looking under the Cowboys cap? Are you some kind of pervert or something?”

To which the trooper replied…”No sir, it’s just that every other time I’ve seen one of these hats there was an ASSHOLE under it.”

Responding to an ad in the paper for Bible salesmen, a man arrived for his interview. “I w-w-want to s-s-sell B-B-Bibles,” he said. His interviewer was hesitant, but because the man’s sales experience was so good, he hired him.

To everyone’s astonishment, within a few months, the fellow’s sales were the best in the company. The president called a meeting to congratulate him and to inspire the other salemen. “Son, tell us your secret for selling so many Bibles,” he said.

“I just go to the d-d-door and say, ‘W-w-would you like to b-b-buy a B-B-Bible, or should I c-c-come in and read it t-t-to you?”