Funny Stories Jokes

The church’s gardener had just finished cleaning the courtyard of a large accumulation of pigeon droppings when another flock landed on the statuary in the garden.

Furious, he began yelling at them “Fuck off, you bastards, fuck off!”

Just then, the pastor came out and, hearing how upset the gardener was, said to him, “There’s no need to use profanity, my friend. Just wave your arms and say ‘Shoo, birdies, Shoo, birdies. You’ll see, they’ll fuck off.”

A birdcage; three budgies in it: a blue one on the bottom perch, a green one on the middle perch, and a white one on the top perch.

Which budgie owns the cage?

The blue one. The other two are on ‘higher perches’ !!??

Part of my friend’s job as a technical writer is to help produce the company newsletter which goes to their clients. He was asked to come up with a list (ala Letterman’s Top Ten List) of funny things one can do with Thanksgiving leftovers. He applied my head-bone to the problem for an hour and we came up with this list.

Seal them in concrete and call it a time capsule. Send it to the Smithsonian with instructions to
open in 2096.

Mix some Elmer’s glue into the mashed potatoes and use as spackle.

Flatten stuffing with rolling pin and bake until hard. Sell to local lumber store as press/compound board.

Stick broccoli and celery sticks in potting soil and display as rare and exotic bonsai.

Liquefy leftovers according to colors. Sell as organic finger paints.

Mix whatever doesn’t sell and repackage as vitamin-rich energy juice.

Carefully separate bones, dry thoroughly. Practice making Indian bone necklaces.

Form mashed potatoes into replicas of ancient urns and vases. Use sweet potatoes for a dash of color and to create authentic aging marks.

Whittle turkey ribs into reusable toothpicks.

Refrigerate and save for when your least favorite relative comes for dinner. Serve a dazzling dinner, and afterwards offer to make a doggie bag for her/him. Stuff the thanksgiving leftovers in the doggie bag instead.

Pile them all on one large platter and sculpt into likenesses of famous performers.

Use as practice ammunition for that all-important Christmas food-fight at your brother’s house.

Freeze in little bags and save for Halloween next year. Hand them out as prizes for “least-tasteful costume” and “oldest trick-or-treater.”

Feed the turkey to your least-favorite neighbor’s dog. Sell gas masks to the neighbors at inflated prices.

Blend all leftovers thoroughly, pour into a plastic garbage bag. Put in a bus station locker. Call FBI with a tip on Jimmi Hoffa’s resting place.

Glue olives, celery sticks, etc. to create clever and whimsical figurines. Sell at local craft fairs as Christmas ornaments.

Estimate dollar value of leftovers and send to IRS as “payment-in-kind” like the fishermen do.

Secretly freeze selected leftovers. When needed, defrost and mix in a little water. Make gagging, hurling noises then display as evidence to your parents that you are too sick to go to school today. Won’t work if your name is Ferris Bueller.

Go for a long walk in forest with brother or sister. Drop little bits of leftovers as you go. When the witch in the candy house tries to cook you, follow your trail back home.

Put leftovers in boxes and wrap with festive holiday paper. Leave on the sidewalk for slow-witted, unsuspecting criminals.

Seal into foil bags and label them “Gourmet K-Rations.” Sell to the U.S. Army.

Place into cylindrical containers and sell to the Army as biological weapons.

Mix with water to make a broth. Serve as “Potluck Surprise” at local church dinner.

Stitch turkey skins together, stuff with sweet potatoes, sell as organically-created hackysacks.

Smart man + smart woman = romance
Smart man + dumb woman = pregnancy
Dumb man + smart woman = affair
Dumb man + dumb woman = marriage

Smart boss + smart employee = profit
Smart boss + dumb employee = production
Dumb boss + smart employee = promotion
Dumb boss + dumb employee = overtime

This guy decides to go ice fishing one day, so he gets up at 2am to have an early start. When he arrives, he gets out his saw and begins carving away at the ice when all of a sudden he hears an echoing voice,
“There are no fish under the ice there.”

The dude freaks out looks around but sees no one. So he waits a few minutes then decides there is no one around and keeps carving. A few minutes later the voice comes back, “There are no fish under the ice there!”

“Wow!” thinks the dude to himself, “God is giving me guidance.”

So he once again starts to carve away at another part of the ice. He hears the bellowing voice, “Sir this is the rink manager, and there are no fish under the ice anywhere.”