Funny Stories Jokes

A tall well-built woman with good
reputation, who can cook frog
legs,who appreciates a good fuc-
schia garden,classic music and tal-
king without getting too serious.
But please read only lines 1,3,5!

A fancy lady on vacation took a stroll through the woods. Suddenly a little white duck, all covered with crap, crossed her path.

“Oh, dear,” exclaimed the lady, “Come on, I’ll clean you!” She took a Kleenex from her purse and did a good cleaning.

She walked on a little farther and another duck, with crap all over it, crossed her way. Again she took a Kleenex and cleaned the little bird.

Then she encountered a third duck, with the same problem. And for the third time, she acted like a Florence Nightingale.

She walked on still farther and she heard a voice from the bushes calling, “Hey, lady!”

“Yes?” she responded.

“Do you have a Kleenex?” asked the voice from the bushes.

“No, not anymore,” she answered.

“Too bad, I’ll have to use another duck.”

This old guy named Joe invested in Microsoft stock in the early eighties and just died a wealthy man. He had no family, so his business associates were at the reading of his will, where it was learned that the old man wanted to be buried with most of his money.

His banker, pastor, and lawyer were each given envelopes with $500,000 cash with the instructions to deposit the money in the casket at the funeral. Three days later at the service, the envelopes were put in the casket.

The next day, the three met for lunch. The pastor said that was an odd request, to be buried with all of that money. The others agreed.

The lawyer asked the banker, “Did you put all of that money in the casket?”

The banker said, “Of course I did. It was my legal responsibility to do so!”

The banker then asked the pastor, “Did you put all of that money in the casket?”

The minister said that he was going to, but he thought of all the good causes in the community and gave most of the money to them. He said that he hoped the Lord would forgive him, but that it made more sense to let homeless shelters and other agencies use that money wisely rather than simply having it buried.

The pastor then turned to the lawyer and asked if she put the money in the casket.

She said “If that casket is ever opened, rest assured that they will find my personal check for the full $500,000 made out to old Joe.”

Two plumbers, Bob and Phil, went bar-hopping every week together, and every week like clockwork, Bob would go home with a woman while Phil went home alone.

One week Phil had had enough and asked Bob for his secret to picking up women. “That’s easy,” said Bob. “When you’re out on the dance floor and she leans in and asks you what you do for a living, don’t tell her you’re a plumber. Tell her you’re a lawyer.”

Later Phil is dancing with a woman when she leans in and asks him what he does for a living. “I’m a lawyer,” says Phil. The woman smiles and asks, “Want to go to my place? It’s right around the corner.” They go to her place and fifteen minutes later Phil’s back in the bar telling Bob about his success.

“I’ve only been a lawyer fifteen minutes,” Phil snickers, “And I’ve already screwed someone!”

A couple of drinking buddies who are airplane mechanics are in a hanger in New York Airport; it’s fogged in and they have nothing to do.

One of them says to the other “Man, have you got anything to drink?”

“Nah, but I hear you can drink jet fuel, that’ll kinda give you a buzz.” So they do, get smashed and have a beautiful time.

The following morning, one of them wakes up and he knows his head will explode if he gets up. But it doesn’t. He gets up and feels good. In fact he feels great- No hangover!

The phone rings and it’s his buddy. The buddy says, “Hey, how do you feel?”

He said, “I feel great! and the buddy says, “No hangover.”

“We ought to do this more often.”

“Yeah, we could, but there’s just one thing.”

“What’s that?”

Did you fart yet?”

“What??”

“Did you FART yet?”

“No…”

“Well, DON’T, cause I’m in Phoenix!!”