Funny Stories Jokes

Miss Agnes McHolstein

69 Cash Ave.
Beaver Valley, CO
Dec. 14, 1986

My Darling,
I went to the door today and the postman delivered a “partridge in a pear tree”. What a thoroughly delightful gift. I couldn’t have been more surprised. You’re an angel.

With all my love and devotion,
Agnes

Miss Agnes McHolstein
Dec. 15, 1986

Darling,
Today, the postman brought your very sweet gift. Just imagine “Two turtle doves”. I’m delighted at your very thoughtful gift. They are adorable and I love you for them.

All my love,
Agnes

Dec. 16, 1986

Dear Fred,
Oh! Aren’t you the extravagant one? Now I really must protest. I don’t deserve such generosity as “Three French hens”. They are just darling but I must insist, you’ve been too kind.

Love,
Agnes

Dec. 17, 1986

Dear Fred,
Today the postman delivered “Four calling birds”. Now really, they are beautiful but don’t you think enough is enough? You’re being too romantic.

Affectionately,
Agnes

Dec. 18, 1986

Dearest Fred,
What a surprise! The postman just delivered the “Five golden rings”; one for every finger. You’re just impossible, but I love it. Frankly, all those birds squawking were beginning to get on my nerves.

All my love,
Agnes

Dec. 19, 1986

Dear Fred,
I couldn’t believe my eyes this morning as I walked out onto the front porch and there were “Six geese a laying” on my front steps. So you’re back to the birds again, huh? Those geese are huge. Where will I ever keep them? The neighbors are complaining and I can’t sleep through the racket. I love your thoughtfulness, but…please stop!

Cordially,
Agnes

Dec. 20, 1986

Fred,
What’s with you and those f#@! birds?? Today I received “seven swans a swimming”. What kind of a joke is this? These birds crapped all over the house and they never stop with that racket. I can’t sleep at night and I’m a nervous wreck. Knock it off, OK?

Sincerely,
Agnes

Dec. 21, 1986

OK buster,
I think I prefer the birds to this torture. What the hell am I going to do with “Eight maids a milking”? It’s not enough with all those birds and eight maids to feed, but they had to bring their damn cows! There is manure all over the lawn and I can’t even move in my own house. Just lay off me, smart-guy!

Agnes

Dec. 22, 1986

Hey butthead,
What are you? Some kind of sadist? Now I’ve got “Nine pipers playing” and lord do they play! They haven’t stopped chasing those maids since they’ve arrived this morning. The cows are getting upset and they’re stepping all over the birds. What the hell am I going to do?? The neighbors have already started a petition to have me evicted.

You’ll get yours, bastard,

Dec. 23, 1986

You Rotten Prick,
Who in hell needs “Ten ladies dancing”?? I can’t imagine why I call these tramps “ladies”. They’ve been up messing with the pipers all night long. Now the cows can’t sleep and all the bloody racket around here has given them diarrhea. My living room is a river of manure! The Commisioner of Buildings has subpoenaed me to give cause why the building should not be condemned! I’m sicking the police on you, pal!

One who means it!

Dec. 24, 1986

Listen good.
What’s with the “Eleven lords a leaping” on those maids and ladies? Some of these poor women may never walk again. The pipers ravaged the maids, and are starting to eye the cows. All 23 birds are dead…they were trampled to death in the orgy. I hope you’re satisfied, you vicious jerk.

Lay the hell off.

Law Offices
Badger, Bender & Cahole
303 Knave Street
Chicago, IL

December 26, 1986

Dear Sir:
This is to acknowledge your latest gift “Twelve fiddlers fiddling” which you have seen fit to inflict on our client, Miss Agnes McHolstein. As you no doubt have guessed, the destruction of her property was total. You are advised that all future correspondence with our client should be cleared through this office.
I feel compelled to warn you that if you should attempt to reach Miss McHolstein at Happydale Private Hospital, the attendants of that institution have instructions to shoot you on sight for the sake of our client’s mental stability. With this letter please find attached a warrant for your arrest.

Season’s Greetings,

J. Frank Cahole

Attorney

A married couple, trying to live up to a snobbish lifestyle, went to this party. The conversation turned to Mozart. “Absolutely brilliant, magnificent, a genius!”

The woman, wanting to join in the conversation, remarked casually, “Ah, Mozart. You’re so right. I love him. Only this morning, I saw him getting on the No. 5 bus going to Coney Island.”

There was a sudden hush, and everyone looked at her. Her husband was mortified. He pulled her away and whispered, “We’re leaving right now. Get your coat, and let’s get out of here.”

As they drove home, he kept muttering to himself. Finally, his wife turned to him. “You’re angry about something.”

“Oh, really? You noticed?” he sneered. “I’ve never been so embarrassed in my life! You saw Mozart take the No. 5 bus to Coney Island? You idiot! Don’t you know the No. 5 bus doesn’t even go OUT to Coney Island?”

A teacher was taking a station wagon full of nursery children to school when a firetruck zoomed past them. In the front seat of the fire truck was a dalmatian.

The children then started to discuss what the dalmation was for.

One girl said, “The firemen use the dalmatian to control the crowd of people at the fire scene.”

“The dalmatian’s there for good luck,” another girl chimed in.

“You’re both wrong!” said a little boy. “The firemen need the dalmatian to find the fire hydrant.”

A resident in a seaside hotel breakfast room called the head waiter to his table. “I want two boiled eggs, one of them so undercooked it’s runny, and the other so overcooked, it’s tough and hard to eat. Also, give me some grilled bacon that has been left on the plate to get cold; burnt toast that crumbles away as soon as you touch it with a knife; butter straight from the deep freeze so that it’s impossible to spread; and a pot of very weak coffee, luke-warm.”

“That’s a complicated order, Sir,” said the bewildered waiter. “It might be quite difficult to prepare.”

The guest replied, “Oh? But that’s what I got yesterday!!”

At a rape trial, the young victim was asked by the D. A. what the defendant said just before the alleged assault. Too embarrassed to answer aloud, the victim asked if she could write out the answer. After reading the note, the judge instructed the jury foreman to read it and pass it among the rest of the jurors.

One juror, who had dozed off, was nudged by the woman juror sitting next to him. He took the note from her and read, “I’m going to screw you like you’ve never been screwed before.”

The juror smiled at the woman and slipped the note into his pocket. “Will Juror No. 12 please pass the note to me!” ordered the judge.

“I can’t, Your Honor,” the juror answered. “It’s personal.”