Golf Jokes

Dave had tried to be particularly careful about his language, as he played golf with his preacher. But on the twelfth hole, when he twice failed to hit out of a sand trap, he lost his resolve and let fly with a string of expletives.

The preacher felt obliged to respond. “I have observed,” he said, in a calm voice, “that the best golfers do not use foul language.”

“I guess not,” said Dave. “What the hell do they have to cuss about?”

Two golfers are waiting their turn on the tee when a naked woman runs across the fairway and into the woods.

Two men in white coats and another guy carrying two buckets of sand are chasing her, and a little old man is bringing up the rear.

One of the golfers grabs the old man and says, “What the hell is going on?”

The old guy says, “She’s a nymphomaniac from an asylum, she keeps trying to escape, and us attendants are trying to catch her.”

The golfer says, “What about the guy with the buckets of sand?”

The old guy says, “That’s his handicap. He caught her last time.”

Saturday morning, Phil arrives at the club for a golf date when he remembers that he forgot to let his wife know that Sears is delivering the new couch around noon. He picks up the phone in the lounge and calls home.

“Hello”, says a little girl’s voice.

“Hi, honey, it’s Daddy. Can I speak to Mommy please.”

“No, Daddy, she’s upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle Ted.

This stops Phil for a moment. “Sweetie, you don’t have an Uncle Ted.”

“Yes I do and he’s upstairs in the bedroom with Mommy.”

“Okay, here’s what to do, honey. Put down the phone, run upstairs and tell Mommy that Daddy’s car just pulled in the driveway.”

“Okay, Daddy.”

A few minutes later, the little girl comes back to the phone. “I did it, Daddy.”

“Good girl, and what happened?”

“Mommy ran into the bathroom with no clothes on, slipped on the rug and banged her head on the sink. Now she’s all dead.”

“Oh my God!!!” says Phil, “and what about Uncle Ted?”

“He jumped out the bedroom window into the swimming pool but must have forgot that you took all the water out and he hit the bottom and now he’s all dead too.”

“Wait a minute…we don”t have a swim…….ooops, sorry, wrong number.”

An Englishman, Irishman and a Scotsman went for a round of golf and their wives went along as caddies.

While walking around the course, the English man’s wife caught her foot in a rabbit hole, tripped up, and landed in a heap on the ground. Her skirt was over her head revealing that she wasn’t wearing any knickers!

The Englishman stormed over and angrily demanded a reason for her state of undress. “Well darling,” she explained, “you give me so little allowance that I have to make the odd sacrifice. Usually no one notices.” The Englishman thrusts his hand into his pocket and said, “Here’s a ten spot. Go to Mark’s and Spencer’s and get some knickers.”

Two holes further along the Irish Man’s wife caught her foot on a molehill, tripped up and landed in a heap on the ground. Again, her skirt was up over her head, revealing that she wasn’t wearing any knickers either! The Irish man was livid and he angrily demanded a reason for her lack of undergarments.

“Well darling,” she explained, “you give me so little allowance, I cannot afford to buy undergarments.”

With that, the Irish man thrust his hand into his pocket and said, “Here’s a five spot. Go to Woolworth’s and get some knickers.”

Three holes further on, the Scottish man’s wife caught her foot on an exposed root, tripped up and landed with her skirt over her head revealing that even she wore no knickers! Her explanation to her irate husband was the same as the others: Simply a lack of allowance. The Scottish man thrust his hand into his pocket and said, “Here’s a comb. At least you can tidy yourself up a bit.”

A pastor, a doctor and an engineer were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers. The engineer fumed, “What’s with these guys? We must have been waiting for 15 minutes!”

The doctor chimed in, “I don’t know, but I’ve never seen such ineptitude!”

The pastor said, “Hey, here comes the greenskeeper. Let’s have a word with him.”

“Hi George. Say, what’s with that group ahead of us? They’re rather slow, aren’t they?”

The greenskeeper replied, “Oh, yes, that’s a group of blind firefighters. They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year, so we always let them play for free anytime.”

The group was silent for a moment. The pastor said, “That’s so sad. I think will say a special prayer for them tonight.”

The doctor said, “Good idea. And I’m going to contact my ophthalmologist buddy and see if there’s anything he can do for them.”

The engineer said, “Why can’t these guys play at night?”