Golf Jokes

Father Ralf was the new initiate at St. Clures. The old priest, Father Patrick, was getting worn out by confessional and wanted a game of golf. He had put up a big sign to guide Father Ralf:
“Do it yourself confessional - Spitting=1 Hail Mary; lying=2 Hail Marys” and so on.

He said to father Ralf, “I’m off to golf now, you look after confession - just follow the chart & everything will be fine.”

Ralf had a quiet morning until he was interrupted by a young female voice. “Please father, I’ve committed a mortal sin!”

“What have you done?” he said.

“I gave a man a blow job,” she said.

He looked at the chart. NO BLOW JOB. He racked his brains. What the deuce was a blow job? What could he do? Just then a queue of alter boys started walking thru the church.

“Excuse me,” he said. “Can you help me? I need to know what Father Patrick gives for a blow job.”

Deathly silence, then a small voice from the back: “Two Mars bars and a can of coke.”

Four married guys go golfing. During the 4th hole, the following conversation takes place.

First Guy: “You guys have no idea what I had to do to be able to come out golfing today. I had to promise my wife that I’d build her a new deck for the pool.”

Second Guy: “You’re lucky. I had to promise my wife that I’d paint every room in the house next weekend.”

Third Guy: “You guys have it easy. I had to promise my wife that I’d remodel the kitchen for her.”

They continue to play the hole when they realize that the fourth guy hadn’t said anything. So they ask him. “You haven’t said anything about what you had to do to be able to come golfing this weekend. What’s the deal?”

Fourth Guy: “I just set my alarm for 5:30AM. When it goes off, I turn it off, nudge my wife and say “Golf course or intercourse?” She says “Don’t forget your sweater.”

This guy sits down at a bar and says to the Bartender, “Give me 10 shots of Tequila. Just line ‘em up right here!”

The Bartender looks at him and says, “Man, that’s a lot of Tequila, can I ask why you want so many shots?”

The guy replies, “I just had my first blow job!”

The Bartender says, “ALRIGHT! Tell you what, The eleventh one’s on me!”

The guy says, “Naw, if ten shots of Tequila doesn’t get the taste outta my mouth, nothing will!”

Two golfers were getting ready to tee off one morning and one says to the other: “Hey! I just got a new set of golf clubs for my wife!”

To which the other golfer exclaims:
“Wow!! Now THAT’S what I call a TRADE!!”

A man takes the day off work and decides to go out golfing. He is on the second hole when he notices a frog sitting next to the green. He thinks nothing of it and is about to shoot when he hears, “Ribbit 9 Iron.” The man looks around and doesn’t see anyone.

Again, he hears, “Ribbit 9 Iron.” He looks at the frog and decides to prove the frog wrong, puts the club away, and grabs a 9 iron. Boom!

He hits it 10 inches from the cup. He is shocked. He says to the frog, “Wow that’s amazing. You must be a lucky frog, eh?” The frog reply’s, “Ribbit Lucky frog.” The man decides to take the frog with him to the next hole. “What do you think frog?,” the man asks “Ribbit 3 wood.” The guy takes out a 3 wood and, Boom! Hole in one! The man is befuddled and doesn’t know what to say.

By the end of the day, the man golfed the best game of golf in his life and asks the frog, “OK where to next?” The frog replies, “Ribbit Las Vegas.” They go to Las Vegas and the guy says, “OK frog, now what?” The frog says, “Ribbit Roulette.” Upon approaching the roulette table, the man asks, “What do you think I should bet?” The frog replies, “Ribbit $3000, black 6.”

Now, this is a million-to-one shot to win, but after the golf game, the man figures what the heck Boom! Tons of cash comes sliding back across the table. The man yakes his winnings and buys the best room in the hotel. He sits the frog down and says, “Frog, I don’t know how to repay you. You’ve won me all this money and I am forever grateful.”

The frog replies, “Ribbit Kiss Me.” He figures why not, since after all the frog did for him, he deserves it. With a kiss, the frog turns into a gorgeous 15-year old girl.

“And that, your honor, is how the girl ended up in my room, so help me God or my name is not William Jefferson Clinton.”