Golf Jokes

One day there were two men playing golf. The first guy was talking to the other guy. He said, “You can’t lose this golf ball, if you hit it in the water it will inflate and come back to you, if you hit it in the sand it rolls out. If you hit it in the woods it will come out.”

The second guy said, “Where’d you get it?”

The first guy said, “I found it!”

Two friends went out to play golf and were about to tee off, when one fellow noticed that his partner had only one golf ball.

“Don’t you have at least one other golf ball?” he asked. The other guy replied that he only needed one.

“Are you sure?” the friend persisted. “What happens if you lose that ball?”

The other guy replied, “This is a very special golf ball. I won’t lose it so I don’t need another one.”

“Well,” the friend asked, “what happens if you miss your shot and the ball goes in the lake?”

“That’s okay,” he replied, “this special golf ball floats. I’ll be able to retrieve it.”

“Well what happens if you hit it into the trees and it gets lost among the bushes and shrubs?

“The other guy replied, “That’s okay too. You see, this special golf ball has a homing beacon. I’ll be able to get it back — no problem.”

Exasperated, the friend asks, “Okay. Let’s say our game goes late, the sun goes down, and you hit your ball into a sand trap. What are you going to do then?”

“No problem,” says the other guy, “You see, this ball is fluorescent. I’ll be able to see it in the dark.”

Finally satisfied that he needs only the one golf ball, the friend asks, “Hey, where did you get a golf ball like that anyway?”

The other guy replies, “I found it.”

An avid golfer goes to the local golf course to get in a couple hours of practice after work one day.

He hits a large bucket of balls on the driving range, but still hasn’t corrected the slice he’s working on.

Not having enough money to buy another bucket of balls and being all alone on the practice tee, he walks up the edge of the driving range picking up balls in the weeds and bushes so as not to be noticed.

Pretty soon, he can carry no more, so he stuffs twenty or so in the front pockets of his baggy pants until they are full.

Walking back to the tee, he notices a pretty young lady has come up to hit balls on the range also.

As he gets closer, she notices the bulges in his pants and makes a strange expression on her face.

Seeing this, the golfer is a little embarrassed and, wanting to explain, says, “Oh…they’re just golf balls…”

The young lady looks at him sympathetically and says, “Wow, is that anything like tennis elbow?”

Two friends were playing golf when one pulled out a cigar.
He didn’t have a lighter so he asked his friend if he had one.

”I sure do,” he replied and reached into his golf bag and pulled out a 12 inch BIC lighter.

”Wow!” said his friend, “where did you get that monster?”

”I got it from my genie.”

”You have a genie?” he asked

”Yes, he’s right here in my golf bag.” He opens his golf bag and out pops the genie.

The friend says, “I’m a good friend of your master. Will you grant me one wish?”

”Yes I will,” the genie said. So he asks him for a million bucks and the genie hops back into the golf bag and leaves him standing there waiting for his million bucks. Suddenly the sky begins to darken and the sound of a million ducks flying overhead is heard.

The friend tells his golfing partner, “I asked for a million bucks, not ducks!”

He answers, “I forgot to tell you the genie is hard of hearing. Do you really think I asked him for a 12 inch BIC?”

There are two guys playing golf, and they both hit their balls way into the rough. They agree to go find their balls and meet on the fairway later.

The first guy is pretty sure he hit his into the big patch of buttercups, so he goes over and starts beating the hell out of the buttercups with his club looking for his ball.

All of a sudden, an angel comes down from heaven and tells him that he can NEVER have any butter again for ruining one of God’s creations in such a manner.

The guy doesn’t care and goes back to the fairway to tell his friend what happened. He told him and then his friend says, “You think that’s bad? I hit my ball into the pussywillows!”