Golf Jokes

Three guys, a father, son, and grandfather go out to play a round of golf. As they are on the way out to the first tee they are joking, bullshitting, and cussing, very much the men’s day out. Just before the son is ready to tee off, this fine looking woman walks up carrying her clubs. She says that her partner didn’t show and asks if she can join them.

The guys say sure, since she is a really beautiful woman.

The kid kind of grumbles that now they can’t cuss and bullshit around.

The lady turns to the three of them and says, “I don’t care what the three of you do, cuss, smoke, chew, spit or whatever, just don’t try to coach me on my game.”

The guys say O.K. and ask if she would like to tee off first.

All eyes are on her ass as her skirt rides up as she bends over to place the ball.

She then proceeds to knock the shit out of the ball right up the middle.

She just starts pounding these guys, par every hole. They get to the 18th and she has a 12 foot putt for par.

She turns around and says, “You guys have done a great job at not trying to coach me on my game, I have never shot par before and I am going to ask all of your opinions in this putt. Now if any of those opinions help me make the par I will give each of you a blow job that you will never forget.”

The guys think what a deal. The kid walks over eyes up the putt for a couple of minutes and finally says, “Lady, aim that putt six inches to the right of the hole, the ball will break left 12 inches from the hole and will go in the cup.”

The father walks up and says, “Don’t listen to the youngster, aim 12 inches to the right and the ball will break left 2 feet from the hole and fall in the cup.”

The grandfather looks at the both of them in disgust, walks over picks up the ball and says, “Fuck the putt, that’s a Gimme.”

A couple met at Myrtle Beach and fell in love. They were discussing how they would continue their relationship after their vacations were over.

“It’s only fair to warn you, Linda,” he said. “I’m a golf nut. I live…eat…sleep…and breathe golf.”

“Well,…” Linda said, “Since you’re being honest, so will I. You see, I’m a hooker.”

“I see,” he said pensively. Then, he smiled and said…”It’s probably because you’re not keeping your wrists straight when you hit the ball.”

A man and his wife are out playing golf. They tee off and his drive goes to the right while her drive goes to the left. The wife finds her ball in a patch of buttercups.

She grabs a club and takes a mighty swing at the ball. She hits a beautiful second shot, but in the process she hacks the hell out of the buttercups. Suddenly a woman appears out of nowhere.

The mystery woman looks at the wife and says, “I’m Mother Nature and I don’t like the way you treated my buttercups. From now on, you won’t be able to stand the taste of butter. Each time you eat butter, you will become physically ill to the point of total nausea.”

The mystery woman then disappears as quickly as she appears. Shaken, the wife calls out to her husband, “Hey, where’s your ball?”

“It’s over here in the pussy willows.”

The wife screams back, “DON’T HIT THE BALL!!!! DON’T HIT THE BALL!!!!”

Q: What’s the difference between a golfer and a skydiver?

A: A golfer goes: Whack! DAMMIT!
A skydiver goes: DAMMIT! Whack!

Q.What’s the difference between a woman’s most erogenous zone and a golf ball?

A. A man will look for the ball.