Golf Jokes

Two men, being best friends, decided to play a round of golf.

About halfway through the course, they discovered that they were constantly having to wait for the two women who were playing the hole ahead of them.

Finally, the first man says to the second, “I’ll go and ask if we can play through.” His friend agrees, and off he goes.

Suddenly, he stops short, pauses, turns and hurries back.

“What’s wrong?” inquires his friend.

“I can’t ask if we can play through.”

“Why not?”

“Well, one of the women is my wife…”

“So?”

“The other is my mistress.”

“Well, that could be a problem. Okay, I’ll go ask if we can play through.”

The second man hurries across the green, only to suddenly stop, pause and hurry back.

“What’s wrong?” inquires the first man.

“Small world, isn’t it?” replies the second.

Many Indian tribes of South America practiced a little known ritual..only recently discovered by archeologists.

It seems that in order to please their gods they would sacrifice a virgin once a year. They would do this by hanging her from a tree till death. However, rather than taking her down they would leave her hanging there until she would decompose.

When that time came they would all gather in a circle around her body and sing “Swing Low, Sweet Cherry-rot”..

God and St. Peter go down to the golf course on a nice Sunday afternoon. As they go to tee-off, God motions for Peter to start. Peter’s a bit surprised, but he sets up and takes his shot. He hits a nice drive right onto the green.

When God takes his shot, however, he doesn’t get nearly as nice a drive. A sharp hook takes the ball right into the rough. Peter asks God “What happened?” God just smiles as a rabbit hops out onto the tee with the golf ball in its mouth. A hawk circling overhead then swoops down and picks up the rabbit. As the hawk flies over the green, it drops the rabbit. The rabbit hops over to the hole and drops the ball in.

God starts jumping up and down and yelling hole in one! Peter jumps up and says “Dammit, are we going to play golf or are you going to fuck around?!”

An American businessman goes on business to Japan. He tells his assistant that night to get him some ‘entertainment.’ So his assistant gets him a hooker. The whole night this Japanese hooker keeps screaming, ‘Hoshimota, hoshimota!’

He thinks he is doing it really, really good.

The next morning he goes to play a game of golf with his Japanese business partner, who makes a hole in one. Everyone is congratulating him in Japanese and patting him on the back. The American can’t think of what to say, so he says “HOSHIMOTA!”

His Japanese partner turns to him and says, “What do you mean, it is in the wrong hole?”

Jim and Ted play golf together every Monday. Jim always wins because Ted is a terrible putter.

One Monday, Ted can’t miss. He sinks every shot on the green. Jim can’t believe his eyes!

After the round, Jim asks, “What has happened? You can’t miss today.”

Ted says, “Order up the beer, I have to go to the bathroom”.

When Ted comes back the front of his pants are all wet.

Confused, Jim asks “What happened to your pants?”

“I’ll get to that in a minute, let tell you about my game.

I went to the eye doctor last week, and he said that I need bifocals. So when I look down, I see a little ball and a big ball. I look over and see a little hole and a big hole. I put the little ball in the big hole, and I can’t miss.”

“What about your pants?”

“I looked down and saw a little one and a big one, figured the little one wasn’t mine, so I put it away.”