Golf Jokes

A foursome was on the last hole and when the last golfer drove off the tee he hooked into a cow pasture. He advised his friends to play through and he would meet them at the clubhouse. They followed the plan and waited for their friend.

After a considerable time he appeared disheveled, bloody, and badly beaten up. They all wanted to know what happened.
He explained that he went over to the cow pasture but could not find his ball. He noticed a cow wringing her tail in obvious pain. He went over and lifted her tail and saw a golf ball solidly embedded. It was a yellow ball so he knew it was not his.

A woman comes out of the bushes apparently searching for her lost golf ball. The helpful male golfer lifted the cow’s tail and asked, “Does this look like yours?”
That was the last thing he could remember.

Two worms live together on a golf course. The first worm says, “What kind of a day is it, I wonder.”

The other worm says, “You know, I don’t know, but I was thinking of going up and checking it out.”

The first worm says, “That’s a good idea. Why don’t you do that.”

So the second worm starts on his way up through the dirt.

At the same time, two lady golfers are walking along the fairway. The first one says, “Jeez, I gotta pee.”

Her friend says, “Well, its very early. There’s nobody else here on the course. Just do it right here. Nobody will know.”

The first lady says, “You think so? Right here?”

Her friend says, “Sure.”

She pulls down her skivvies and lifts up her little golf dress and squats. She’s just about to commence when the worm pokes his head up out of the grass right below her. She lets fly and, forget it, he gets drenched.

He’s dripping wet as he goes back down through the dirt. He goes up to the first worm, and he’s soaking wet.

The first looks at him and says, “Oh, it’s raining, huh?”

The second worm says, “Not only is it raining, but it’s raining so hard the damn birds are building their nests upside-down.”

“Armstrong,” the boss said, “I happen to know that the reason you didn’t come to work yesterday and that was because you were out playing golf.”

“That’s a rotten lie!” Armstrong protested. “And I have the fish to prove it!”

A man starts his confession by telling the priest he has sinned by cursing the Lord and taking his name in vain.
The priest, who is Irish, asks, “And tell me my son, What were the grievous and calamitous circumstances that caused you to curse God and use his name in vain?”

The sinner says,”Well, father, I was playing golf, and I was finishing the best round ever, when on the 18th tee my drive slices into the rough.”

“And surely, after playing such a magnificent round, that is what caused you to curse God.”

“No father, I lucked out and the ball landed on a bare spot. I took my 6 iron and swung and hit the ball well,it landed on the lip of the green and rolled into a sand trap below the green.

“And surely, my son, after escaping danger and making a wonderful second shot only to have the ball roll back into a trap is what caused you take the Lord’s name in vain.”

“No father, I took my s/w and I dug my feet in and I swung and sand and ball went into the air and the ball headed straight for the pin and hit the pole and bounced 2 feet from the hole.”

The priest asked, “Is this hole a par 4?”

“yes, father”, he says

“And you’re hitting your 4th shot 2 feet from the hole?”

“Yes, Father”

“Jesus Christ, man, did you miss the god-dammed putt?”

This guy and girl just got married so they decided to be together. She said, “You must be gentle, I’m still a virgin.”

He replies, “How the hell can you still be a virgin if you were married three times before me?”

She says, “Well my first husband was a gynocologist and all he wanted to do was look at it. My second husband was a psychiatrist and all he wanted to do was talk about it. And well, my third husband was a stamp collector, and boy, do I miss him!”