Golf Jokes

Off the seventh tee, Doug sliced his shot deep into a wooded ravine. He took his eight iron and clambered down the embankment in search of his lost ball.

After many long minutes of hacking at the underbrush, he spotted something glistening in the leaves. As he drew nearer he discovered that it was an eight iron in the hands of a skeleton.

Doug called out to his friend, “Carl, I’ve got trouble down here!”

“Whats the matter?” Carl asked from the edge of the ravine.

“Bring me my wedge,” Doug shouted. “You can’t get out of here with an eight iron!”

One day Moses, Jesus, and God were playing golf together in Heaven.

Moses drove the ball far out and it landed in a lake.

Moses opened his hands and the water opened up, he then hit the ball once more and it went into the hole.

On another hole, Jesus drove the ball far out and it landed in a lake. His ball was floating, so he walked along the water, he hit the ball once more and it went into the hole.

On another hole, God drove the ball far out and it landed in a lake. While God was thinking what to do, a fish brought the ball to the surface of the water and a bird flew over, picked up the ball and dropped it in the hole to make a Hole In One!

I was playing golf one morning and a friend asked if he could play a round against me. I told him, “Sure. What time do you want me to meet you here?” He said, “Nine o’ clock … Maybe nine o’ five.”

Sure enough, the next day he is there to tee off at nine o’ clock sharp. He tees off right-handed and I tee off right-handed.

We played eighteen holes and he beat me by two strokes. I congratulated him and asked for a re-match.

He said, “O.K. How about tomorrow at nine o’ clock … Maybe nine o’ five.”

All is agreed upon.

The next morning he showed up and we teed off at nine o’ clock sharp. This time he teed off left-handed and I teed off right-handed.

At the end of the eighteen holes, he still beat me by two strokes.

I asked him as to his strategy behind playing golf right-handed yesterday and left-handed today.

He told me that it all has to do with the way he wakes up in the morning. He said, “If I wake up and my wife is sleeping on her right side, I play golf right-handed. If I wake up and she is sleeping on her left side, I play golf left-handed.”

I asked him, “What happens if when you wake up, she is sleeping on her back?”

He told me, “That’s when I get here at nine o’ five!”

“How was your golf game, dear?” asked Jack’s wife, Edna.

“Well, I was hitting pretty well, but my eyesight’s gotten so bad I couldn’t see where the ball went.”

“Well, you’re seventy-five years old, Jack!” admonished his wife. “Why don’t you take my brother, Ronald, along the next time you play?”

“But he’s EIGHTY-FIVE and doesn’t even PLAY golf anymore,” protested Jack.

“But he’s got perfect eyesight after his cataract surgery. He could watch your ball,” Edna pointed out.

So the next day Jack teed off, with Ronald looking on. Jack swung, and the ball disappeared down the middle of the fairway. “Do you see it?” asked Jack.

“Yup,” answered Ronald.

“Where did it go?” asked Jack, peering off into the distance.

“I dunno. I forgot,” said Ronald.

Top Ten Suggestions for Guys While Playing Golf and/or Taking a Leak in a Public Bathroom:

10. Back straight, knees bent, feet shoulder width apart.

9. Form a loose grip.

8. Keep your head down.

7. Avoid a quick backswing.

6. Stay out of the water.

5. Try not to hit anyone.

4. If you are taking too long, please let others go ahead of you.

3. Don’t stand directly in front of others.

2. Quiet please!… while others are preparing to go.

1. Don’t take extra strokes.