Golf Jokes

A wealthy businessman, who was a notorious cheater when playing his beloved sport of golf, died and went straight to Hell. When he got to Hell, he was surprised to find himself on a golf course with well-manicured greens and the weather so perfectly cool and clear that it did not seem like Hell at all. At the first tee, he was greeted by Satan himself who gave him a complete set of golf clubs made of gold in a genuine leather bag with a golf tee also made out of gold.

Satan said, “You will spend an eternity here just playing golf to your heart’s content.”

The golfing enthusiast was so overjoyed that he took the leather bag full of golf clubs and set the golf tee in place only to find out that there were no golf balls around.

He said to Satan, “Hey what’s the idea? Where are the frigging golf balls?”

Grinning widely, Satan handed the golfer a golf ball the size of a basketball and said, “Welcome to Hell !”

This young man was going golfing one day, but he wasn’t very good. He had been hitting the ball in the rough, the water, and soon a sand trap. By the time he hit the sand trap he was very annoyed.

So he stood there swinging at the ball but missing and in the process digging a hole. Soon he hit something hard (not the golf ball). He bent over and dug it up to see what it was.

When he had it uncovered he found an old oil lamp. He thought to himself, and began to rub the lamp. To his surprise and delight a fat old Genie came from the lamp in a huge puff of smoke.

“Wow ten-thousand years in a lamp!! I have soo many things to do and to see!!”, exclaimed the Genie. “Now I know you want your three wishes, but I am going to be very busy, so if you write them down on a piece of paper I will get to them as soon as I can.”

The guy thought that would be fine, so he wrote down his three wishes, gave them to the Genie and went home.

A couple of weeks had passed since the encounter and the man had begun to forget about the Genie and his wishes. One day the man was at his house when the doorbell rang. There was a UPS man at the door with a very large package for him. The man signed for it and took it inside. He opened the package to find that it was a huge box of Dates and Grain cereal.

“Dates and Grain cereal, where the hell did this come from,” he wondered.

The man began looking through his things to see if he could find out where he had asked or ordered a huge box of Dates and Grain cereal. While he was looking he came across his list of wishes. He looked at the first wish, 1: A Great Dane. “No, he thought to himself. He couldn’t be that dumb.” The Genie had given him Dates and Grain cereal instead of a Great Dane.

“Oh well, anyone can make a mistake,” he thought.

About a week later the man received another package, he signed for it and then opened it. He found a Zebco fishing rod.

“What is this, when did I get one of these,” exclaimed the man. He thought about what happened last time he got a package that he didn’t know about.
“My second wish was for a fast car not something that casts far!! That damn Genie!”

The next day the man was at his home when there was a knock at his door, he opened it and there was a guy standing at the door.

“Hi my name is Blob, Joe Blob, and I will be with you every saturday night from now on!”

A employee was playing golf with his boss for a large bet, and had been waiting for a number of weeks for the game. He set himself up on the first tee and then on the nearby road a funeral went past, and so he took his hat off and bowed his head.

His boss was suprised that his employee showed such a Christian side to himself especially as he was playing for a large bet.

“That was kind of you,” said his boss.

“Well,” replied the golfer, “it was my wife.”

A man is on the first hole of a snooty golf course getting ready to hit his ball. He stands near the red tee, sets up, and gets ready to hit when he hears a voice over the loudspeaker say, “Will the gentleman please step back to the Men’s Tee.”

He ignores the voice, and gets ready to hit again. Just as he starts to swing, he hears the voice again: “Will the gentleman please step back to the Men’s Tee.”

He tries to ignore it again, but it repeats: “Will the gentleman please step back to the Men’s Tee.”

So the man looks toward the starters booth and yells, “Will you just shut up and let me take my fucking second shot?”

He’d been playing golf for years, and he had the finest equipment but his technique never improved a bit. As his friend watched, he teed up at the first hole and promptly drove a brand-new ball into the woods. On the second hole he drove another new ball into a lake. On the third, he lost a new ball in another part of the woods.

“Why don’t you use an old ball?” his friend asked.

“I’ve never had an old ball,” he said.