Golf Jokes

One day Jesus and Moses are out golfing.
Jesus is of course winning and starts to think highly of himself.

They get to the top of this one hill on the tenth hole, and Jesus pulls out a five iron, when he should have clearly pulled out a nine iron.

Moses walks up to him and says, “Are you crazy, you should be using a nine iron, not that five iron”.

“Arnold Palmer would use this five iron”, Jesus replied.
So Jesus, using the wrong club, hits the ball way too far to the left.

“Aw Shucks”, says Jesus.

So Jesus walks up to the ball and again uses his five iron, instead of the appropriate seven iron.

Moses walks up to him again and warns him of his upcoming mistake.

“Arnold Plamer would use this club if he were playing”, said Jesus.
And like the last time the ball goes way off course and unfortunately lands in a water trap.

About this time two golfers come up behind Moses and Jesus, and walk over and start talking with Moses.

Jesus, chasing after his ball, goes down to the water trap and walks out over the lake looking for his ball.

The men talking with Moses see this and in astonishment ask him, “Who does that man think he is, Jesus Christ!?”

Moses replies, “No, he thinks he is Arnold Palmer”!

Q.)What did Helen Keller’s parents do when she was bad?
A.) They rearranged the furniture!

Q.) What did Helen Keller’s parents do when she was really bad?
A.) The stomped on her Braille books with golf shoes!

Q.) What did Helen Keller’s parents do when she was really really bad?
A.) They left the plunger in the toilet!

Q.) Why couldn’t Helen Keller drive?
A.) She was a woman!

Once there was a man who went to play golf with his priest.

He was on the third hole and only 3 feet away from the hole. He putted his shot and missed. “God Damn it!” the man yelled. The priest replied that it was a sin to say God’s name in vain. The man saw that his priest was correct and apologized.

Later he was on the 15th hole and only 2 feet away, when he missed the shot and yelled “God damn it!” The priest replied that it was a sin to speak of God in vain. The man realized his mistake and that his father was right and apologized.

Later after that he was on the 18th hole and if he made a 6 inch put he would win the entire game. He of course missed and as before yelled “God damn it, I missed!” The priest was disturbed as times before and angrily shook his head as he was about to speak.

Just as the priest was correcting the man and said, “It is a….” A huge bolt of lightning came down from the skies and struck the priest dead on the spot. Then came a huge rumbling voice that shuck the ground as it said, “God damn it, I missed!”

There are these friends who play golf together every Saturday. One Saturday they were getting ready to tee off when a guy asked them if he could join them. The friends looked at each other and then looked at the man and said, “Sure.” So they teed off.

About two holes into the game, the friends got curious about what the man did for a living, so they asked him. The stranger told them that he was a hitman. They nervously chuckled.

The man said, “No, really! I am a hitman My gun is in my golf bag. Carry it everywhere I go. You can take a look, if you like.”

So one of the guys decided he would. He opened up the bag and sure enough, there was this rifle with a huge scope on it. He got all excited about it. He said, “WOW! I bet I can see my house through here! May I look?”

The stranger said, “Sure.”

So the man looked for a second and said, “YEAH! I can! I can even see through my windows into my bedroom. There’s my wife, naked. WAIT! There’s my next door neighbor! He’s naked too!”

This upset the man, so he asked the hit man how much it would be for a hit. The hitman replied, “It’s $1,000 every time I pull the trigger.”

The man said, “$1,000? Ouch! But okay. I want two hits. I want you to shoot my wife right in the mouth. She’s always nagging at me and I can’t stand it. Second, I want you to shoot my neighbor right in the dick, for screwing around with my wife.”

The hitman agrees, lifts the rifle and looks through the scope. He looks for about 5 minutes and the man starts to get impatient. He asks the hitman what he is waiting for.

The hitman replies, “Just hold on now…I’m about do the job with ONE BULLET and save you a thousand bucks.”

A man staggers into an emergency room with two black eyes and a five iron wrapped tightly around his throat. Naturally the doctor asks him what happened.

“Well, it was like this,” said the man. “I was having a quiet round of golf with my wife, when she sliced her ball into a pasture of cows.”

“We went to look for it, and while I was rooting around I noticed one of the cows had something white at its rear end. I walked over and lifted up the tail, and sure enough, there was my wife’s golf ball….stuck right in the middle of the cow’s butt. That’s when I made my mistake.”

“What did you do?” asks the doctor.

“Well, I lifted the tail and yelled to my wife, ‘Hey, this looks like yours!’”