Golf Jokes

One day there were 3 amateurs and a pro playing golf. They went up to the first tee, and the pro went first. He hit it right on the green, 300 yards away. Then one of the amateurs went up to the tee and it sliced to the right. He asked the pro, “What causes that?”

“LOFT,” he replied. Then the next amateur went up and sliced it to the left. He asked, “What causes that?” And the pro answered, “LOFT.”

Then the last amateur went up and hit the ball, and it only went 100 yards cause it was rolling on the ground. And he also asked, “What causes that?” and the pro said, “LOFT.”

One of the amateurs said, “We all hit three different shots, and you said it was LOFT — what does LOFT mean?”

And the pro replied, “Lack Of Fucking Talent!”

A golfer goes in a bathroom where a sign reads:

l
l
l
\ /

Line up your balls and stick your putter here!

A young man, who was an avid golfer, found himself with a few hours to spare one afternoon. He figured if he hurried and played very fast, he could get in nine holes before he had to head home. Just as he was about to tee off, an old gentleman shuffled onto the tee and asked if he could accompany the young man.

Not being able to say “No,” he allowed the old gent to join him. To his pleasant surprise, the old man played fairly quickly. He didn’t hit the ball far, but plodded along consistently and didn’t waste much time.

Finally, they reached the 9th Fairway, and the young man found himself with a tough shot. There was a large pine tree right in front of his ball–directly between his ball and the green. After several minutes of debating how to hit the shot, the old man finally said, “You know, when I was your age, I’d hit the ball right over that tree.”

With that challenge placed before him, the young man swung hard, hit the ball up and right smack into the top of the tree trunk. It thudded back on the ground not a foot from where it had originally laid.

The old man leaned back on his golf bag and said, “Of course, when I was your age, that pine tree was only three feet tall.”

Jesus and St. Peter were teeing it up in front of a 250 yard carry over a lake.

St. Peter asked Jesus what club he was going to use. Jesus replied, “A 1 Iron.”

St. Peter said, “Only Tiger Woods can hit a 1 Iron that far.”

Ignoring the advice, Jesus hits 3 balls in the water and starts walking on the water to retrieve his balls.

About that time a foursome behind them comes up on the tee, and one golfer shouts, “Jesus Christ, who does that guy think he is!”

St. Peter replies, “Tiger Woods”

A man and a woman were golfing when the woman said suddenly, “Would you remarry if I died?”

“Yes”, said the man. “Would you let her use my golf clubs?”, asked the woman.

“No”, said the man,”she’s left-handed”.