Golf Jokes

Two long-time golfing buddies got to the course one day and decided that this day they would play the ball where it lies…”No matter what!!”

On the 14th hole, one of them sliced his drive, and it ended up on the concrete cart path. As he reached down to pick up his ball to get relief, his friend said, “Wait a minute! We agreed that we would not improve our lies, remember? No matter what!”

The first player tried to explain that he was entitled to this relief, that it was in the rules of golf. But the second fellow would not allow it.

Throwing up his hands in disgust, the man went to the cart and grabbed a club. As he stood near his ball, he took a few practice swings, each time scraping the club on the pavement and sending out showers of sparks.

Finally, he took his shot. The club hit the path again, sparks went flying, but his ball shot straight towards the green, landed and rolled to a stop–two inches from the cup.

“Great shot!” his friend exclaimed. “What club did you use?”

The man gave him a wry smile, “Your 7 iron!”

Teacher: Little Johnny, go to the map and find North America.

Little Johnny: Here it is!

Teacher: Correct. Now, class, who discovered America?

Class: Little Johnny!

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Teacher: Are you chewing gum?

Little Johnny: No, I’m Little Johnny.

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Teacher: How can one person make so many stupid mistakes in one day?

Little Johnny: I get up early.

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Teacher; Didn’t you promise to behave?

Little Johnny: Yes, sir.

Teacher: And didn’t I promise to punish you if you didn’t?

Little Johnny: Yes, sir, but since I broke my promise, you didn’t have to keep yours.

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Little Johnny: Teacher, would you punish me for something I didn’t do?

Teacher: Of course not.

Little Johnny: Good, because I didn’t do my homework.

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Teacher: Why are you late?

Little Johnny: Because of the sign.

Teacher: What sign?

Little Johnny: The one that says, “School Ahead, Go Slow. “That’s what I did.
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Teacher: I hope I didn’t see you looking at Don’s paper.

Little Johnny: I hope you didn’t either.

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Teacher: Well, at least there’s one thing I can say about your son.

Father: What’s that?

Teacher: With grades like these, he couldn’t be cheating.

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Teacher: Johnny, give me a sentence starting with “I”.

Little Johnny: I is…

Teacher: No, Little Johnny. Always say “I am.”

Little Johnny: All right. “I am the ninth letter of the alphabet.”

Three men were coming out of an interfaith meeting at their local convention center. One of the men was a Jew, one was a Catholic, and one was a Mormon. They began talking about their respective families and the Jewish man said with smug pride, “I have four sons, one more and I can form my own basketball team.”

The Catholic man, not to be outdone, boasted, “Well, my wife and I have been blessed with ten sons. One more boy and we will start our own football team.”

With this the Mormon gave a smug smile and quietly said, “I’ve got you both beat…I have seventeen wives, one more and I have my own golf course.”

A wife is going through her husband’s closet one day when she finds a metal box. Inside the box she finds 3 golf balls and $20,000. She immediately goes downstairs and confronts him with it.

Wife: “What is this box for?”

Husband: “Well, every time we had bad sex I put a golf ball in the box.”

The wife thought this was pretty good seeing as how they had been married for 20 years.

Wife: “What is the $20,000 for?”

Husband: “Every time I got a dozen golf balls I sold them.”

A couple of women were playing golf one sunny Saturday morning. The first of the twosome teed off and watched in horror as her ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole. Indeed, the ball hit one of the men, and he immediately clasped his hands together at his crotch, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in evident agony. The woman rushed down to the man and immediately began to apologize. She said, “Please allow me to help. I’m a physical therapist and I know I could relieve your pain if you’d allow.”

“Ummph, oooh, nnooo, I’ll be all right…I’ll be fine in a few minutes,” he replied breathlessly as he remained in the fetal position still clasping his hands together at his crotch.

But she persisted, and he finally allowed her to help him. She gently took his hands away and laid them to the side, she loosened his pants, and she put her hands inside. She began to massage him. She then asked him, “How does that feel?”

To which he replied, “It feels great, but my thumb still hurts like hell.”