Golf Jokes

Judi was driving home one night when she was caught in a bad hail storm. The stones were as big as golf balls. Her car was dented pretty bad.

Balking at the price to fix it, Judi was told by the repair shop guy, a smartass by trade, (noticing her bright blonde hair) to blow into the tailpipe REAL HARD when she got home, the dents would pop out.

When she got home she started blowing into the tail pipe, and her blonde girl friend saw her.

“What are you doing?” he friend asked, horrified.

“I’m trying to blow the dents out of the car. Duh!”

“Well, DUH,” Judi’s equally blonde friend said, “you’ve got to roll the windows up FIRST!”

This man named Bob was in a golfing tournament and he was paired up with a nun.
Bob was up and he just barely missed the hole.

Bob: DAMN! I missed!

Nun: Please, don’t use that language around me.

Bob: Sorry, Sister.

Well Bob just barely missed hole 14.

Bob: DAMN! I missed!

Nun: Sir, if you swear one more time I hope the Gods from heaven will strike you down!!!

Bob: Sorry again sister, it won’t happen again.

Well on the 18th hole Bob missed again.

Bob: DAMN!!!! I missed!!

Then up in the clouds you hear thunder and then all of a sudden the nun gets struck by lightning.

(voice of the clouds): DAMN! I missed!!

A couple is golfing one day on a very, very exclusive golf course lined with million dollar houses.

On the third tee the husband says, “Honey, be very careful when you drive the ball. Don’t knock out any windows - It’ll cost us a fortune to fix.”

The wife tees up and promptly shanks it right through the window of the biggest house on the course.

The husband cringes and says, “I told you to watch out for the houses! Alright, let’s go up there, apologize and see how much this is going to cost.”

They walk up and knock, and a voice says, “Come in.” When they open the door, they see glass all over the floor and a broken bottle lying on its side in the foyer.

A man on the couch says, “Are you the people that broke my window?”

“Uh, yeah,” the husband says. “Sorry about that.”

“No, actually I want to thank you. I’m a genie that was trapped for a thousand years in that bottle. You’ve released me. I’m allowed to grant three wishes - I’ll give you each one wish, and I’ll keep the last one for myself.”

“OK, great!” the husband says. “I want a million dollars a year for the rest of my life.”

“No problem - it’s the least I could do. And you, what do you want?” the genie says, looking at the wife.

“I want a house in every country of the world,” she says.

“Consider it done.”

“And what’s your wish, Genie?” the husband asks.

“Well, since I’ve been trapped in that bottle, I haven’t had sex with a woman in a thousand years. My wish is to sleep with your wife.”

The husband looks at the wife and says, “Well, we did get a lot of money and all those houses, honey. I guess it’s OK with me if it’s OK with you.”

So the genie takes the wife upstairs and ravishes her for two hours.

Afterward, he rolls over, looks at the wife, and says, “How old is your husband, anyway?”

“35. Why?”

“And he still believes in genies?”

Employed by the human-development center of a corporation in the Midwest, my friend trains employees in proper dress codes and etiquette.

One day, as she was stepping onto the elevator, a man, casually dressed in jeans and a golf shirt, got on with her. Thinking of her responsibilities, she said in a scolding manner, “Dressed a little casually today, aren’t we?”

The man replied, “That’s one benefit of owning the company!”

Stevie Wonder and Tiger Woods are in a bar. Woods turns to Wonder and says, “How is the singing career going?”

Stevie Wonder replies, “Not too bad! How’s the golf?”

Woods replies, “Not too bad. I’ve had some problems with my swing, but I think I’ve got that right now.”

Stevie wonder says, “I always find that why my swing goes wrong, I need to stop playing for awhile and not think about it. Then, the next time I play, it seems to be all right.”

Tiger Woods says, “You play golf?”

Stevie Wonder says, “Oh, yes, I’ve been playing for years.”

And Woods says, “But you’re blind. How can you play golf if you’re blind?”

Wonder replies, “I get my caddy to stand in the middle of the fairway and call to me. I listen for the sound of his voice and play the ball towards him. Then, when I get to where the ball lands, the caddy moves to the green or farther down the fair way, and again I play the ball towards his voice.”

“But how do you putt?” asks Woods.

“Well,” says Stevie, “I get my caddy to lean down in front of the hole and call to me with his head on the ground, and I just play the ball towards his voice.”

“Woods asks, “What’s your handicap?”

Stevie says, “Well, I’m a scratch golfer.”

Woods, incredulous, says to Stevie, “We’ve got to play a round sometime.”

Wonder replies, “Well, people don’t take me seriously, so I only play for money, and I never play for less than $10,000 a hole.”

Woods thinks about it and says, “OK, I’m game for that. When would you like to play?”

Stevie says, “Pick a night!”