Golf Jokes

One fine day in Ireland, a guy is out golfing and gets up to the 16th hole. He tees up and cranks one. Unfortunately, it goes into the woods on the side of the fairway. He goes looking for his ball and comes across this little guy with this huge knot on his head and the golf ball lying right beside him. “Goodness,” says the golfer then proceeds to revive the poor little guy.

Upon awakening, the little guy says, “Well, you caught me fair and square. I am a leprechaun. I will grant you three wishes.” The man says “I can’t take anything from you, I’m just glad I didn’t hurt you too badly,” and walks away. Watching the golfer depart, the leprechaun says “Well, he was a nice enough guy, and he did catch me, so I have to do something for him. I’ll give him the three things that I would want. I’ll give him unlimited money, a great golf game, and a great sex life.”

Well, a year goes past (as they often do in jokes like this) and the same golfer is out golfing on the same course at the 16th hole. He gets up and hits one into the same woods and goes off looking for his ball.

When he finds the ball he sees the same little guy and asks how he is doing. The leprechaun says, “I’m fine, and might I ask how’s your golf game?” The golfer says, “It’s great! I hit under par every time.” “I did that for you,” responds the leprechaun, “And might I ask how your money is holding out?”

“Well, now that you mention it, every time I put my hand in my pocket, I pull out a hundred dollar bill” he replied. The leprechaun smiles and says, “I did that for you. And might I ask how is your sex life?”

Now the golfer looks at him a little shyly and says, “Well, maybe once or twice a week.” Floored the leprechaun stammers, “Once or twice a week?”

The golfer looks at him sheepishly and says, “Well, that’s not too bad for a Catholic priest in a small parish.”

This newlywed couple decided to take golfing lessons. So the husband went to the golf trainer and he hit the ball. It went about 50 yards, not very balanced and not a good hit.
So the trainer said, “Hold the golf club like you would your wife’s breasts.” So he did and it was a perfect hit, hole in 1.

When the wife went to the trainer, she did the same thing, not a very good hit, about 40 yards.

So the trainer said “Hold the golf club like you would your husband’s penis.” She hit the ball and it went about 3 feet.

Then the trainer said, “Now take the golf club out of your mouth and hit the ball again”

I only play golf on days that end in “Y”

Two straight guys were playing a round of golf when they noticed two gays ahead of them. They decided to have a little fun so they started to aim their shots near where they were playing.

After a couple of balls landed a little too close for comfort the gays decided that the next time a ball lands close to one of them, one of them would fall down and make they were hurt and then they would sue the straight golfers for the injuries.

Sure enough the next shot from one of the straight golfers landed right next to one of the gays, so he fell down and made like he was unconscious.

When the straight golfers got up to them, the one gay started in by saying, ” Hey what kind of idiots are you? You seriously injured my friend and now we’re going to sue you!”

One of the straight guys says to the gay, “Why don’t you suck me.”

At this the gay says to his buddy, “Charlie, get up. They want to settle out of court.”

An old golfer was starting to have a very hard time during his game. Since he was 85, it was not unusual that his eyesight was not what it used to be. He would drive the ball quite well, but even though he wore eyeglasses he could not see where the ball would go. Hoping to solve the problem, he asked his older brother, who still had excellent eyesight, for some help.

So they both went out on the course together. He drove the ball off the tee as usual. He asked his brother, “Did you see that?” His brother said, “Yeah, that was a great drive!”

He asked his brother again, “Well, did you see where the ball went?” His brother said with excitement, “Yeah, I saw where the ball went!” With no immediate further response from his brother, he impatiently asked, “Well, where did the ball end up?” To this his brother sadly had to say, “I can’t remember!”