Golf Jokes

A couple of old fraternity brothers, Skip and Chip, now in their 40’s, would meet after work every week at their country club for a tennis game while their wives, Babs and Poopsy, played golf.

On this particular day, the boys were in the locker room changing out of their business suits into their tennis clothes when Skip removed his shirt. Chip noticed that Skip was wearing a brassiere.

“Ahhh, Skip”, said Chip, “if you tell me it’s none of my business, I’ll respect that, but I’m really curious to know how long you’ve been wearing a bra.”

“Since last Thursday,” Skip replied. “That’s when Babs
found it in my glove compartment.”

Two retired men were sitting in the bar at their local golf club, after an appauling round, in rainy, cold miserable conditions, with a pint of beer each.

“That was awful today,” said the first man, staring at the table through his pint glass.

“Yeah, it was the worst I’ve ever played,” replied the second.

“I wonder, do you think they have golf in heaven? I hope so. Just imagine it, the lush rolling hills, crystal clear lakes, immaculate greens, perfect conditions for golf. A heavenly course.”

The second man looked at him, and thought for a moment. After a minute or so, he spoke.
“Well, my sister is a psychic. We could get her to make contact with some people in heaven, find out about the facilities.”

“Great,” exclaimed the first man.

“Well,” continued the second man, “I’ll find out, and I’ll talk to you next Sunday when we play.”

***The Next Week***

“So, did you speak to your sister?”

“I sure did, and she managed to get in touch with a few folks up in heaven”, said the second man. “However, there’s good news, and, I’m afraid, there’s bad news.”

“Well, tell me the good news first,” said the first man.

“The good news is that there is awesome golf courses in heaven, just as we invisaged it. lush hills, crystal clear lakes, the lot.”

“..and the bad news?” said the first man, his voice more hesitant

“The bad news is, you’re off the first tee 9am tomorrow morning.”

The owner of a golf course in Alabama was confused about paying an invoice, so he decided to ask his secretary for some mathematical help.

He called her into his office and said, “Ya’ll graduated from the University of Alabama. If I were to give you $20,000, minus 14%, how much would you take off?”

The secretary thought a moment, then replied, “Everything but my earrings.”

A man, while playing on the front nine of a complicated golf course, became confused as to where he was on the course. Looking around, he saw a lady playing ahead of him. He walked up to her, explained his confusion and asked her if she knew what hole he was playing.

She replied, “I’m on the 7th hole and you are a hole behind me, so you must be on the 6th hole.” He thanked her and went back to his golf.

On the back nine the same thing happened and he approached
her again with the same request. She said, “I’m on the 14th, and you are a hole behind me, so you must be on the 13th.” Once again he thanked her and returned to his play.

He finished his round and went into the club house where he
saw the lady sitting at the end of the bar. He asked the
bartender if he knew the lady. The bartender said that she was a sales lady and played the course often.

He approached her and said, “Let me buy you a drink to show
my appreciation for your help. I understand that you are a sales lady …. well, I am in sales also. What do you sell?”

She replied, “If I told you, you would only laugh.”

“No I wouldn’t,” he said and persisted that she tell him
what she sold.

“Well if you must know”, she answered, “I sell Tampax.”

With that, he fell on the floor and laughed so hard he
almost lost his breath. She said, “See I knew you would laugh.”

“That’s not what I’m laughing at,” he replied, “I’m a
toilet paper salesman, so I’m still a hole behind you!”

A foursome goes out on the course, only to find themselves waiting on every hole for the most inept golfers they’ve ever seen, who are playing in front of them. After a few holes, they start yelling at the klutzes, but that doesn’t seem to speed their game up. By the time they’ve finished their round, they’re so pissed off that they go straight to the golf pro to complain.

“Guys,” he tells them, “those fellas you’ve been screaming at and taunting for the last three hours are blind”.

“You’re telling us,” one of the irate foursome says.

“No, I meant it,” the pro says, they’re really blind. They’re trying to overcome their handicap by participating in sports.”

Now embarassed, the first of the foursome says to the pro, “When they come in, fix’em up with new golfers shoes, and put it on my tab.”

The second guy adds, “And give them each a new set of club covers and put on my tab.”

The third one chimes in, “Listen let them pick out a new golf shirt and put it on my tab.”

They all stand there waiting for the fourth guy to contribute something. Noticing their stares, he says, “What? Fuck’em. Let’em play at night.