Golf Jokes

A man and his wife were having an argument in bed. He finally jumped up and took a blanket to the couch.

The next day the wife feeling bad about what happened decided to buy her husband a gift, and since he was an avid golfer she went to the pro shop where he usually went. She talked with the pro and he suggested a putter and he showed her one of his finest.

“How much is it?” she asked.

“One hundred and fifty dollars,” he replied.

She felt that was kind of expensive and told him so.

“But it comes with an inscription,” he said.

“What kind of inscription?” she asked.

“Whatever you wish,” he explained, “but one of the old golfers favorites is, ‘NEVER UP, NEVER IN.’”

“OH, that will never do!” exclaimed the wife. “That’s what started the argument in the first place!”

Two friends had arranged a round of golf and were now on the first tee, preparing to start their game at 7 a.m.

Just as the first golfer was half way up his back swing, a good-looking young lady ran across the course about 10 yards in front of him, peeling off her clothes as she went, until she was totally naked. As she disappeared into the woods, he turned, dazed, to his companion, “What was THAT about?!!!”

“Take no notice. Just get on with the game,” replied the other golfer. Setting down and lining up for his drive, the first golfer then noticed four men in white coats running across on a similar track to the young lady.

Look. Just get on with the game,” said the second golfer. “We don’t have all day, and you know the course closes at 9 p.m.,” he said with a chuckle.

For the third time the golfer squared up to the ball, only to be distracted again by another man in a white coat running across the fairway, lugging two buckets of sand.

“Now, hold on a minute,” said the first golfer. “I’m not playing until you tell me what the heck’s going on here.”

“OK,” said the second man. “Just over the wall there is an asylum. The young lady is a patient who escapes and runs around naked from time to time. The guys in white coats are chasing her.”

“I’ll buy that,” said the first, “but what’s with the guy and the two buckets of sand?”

“He’s the guy who caught her the last time. That’s his handicap.”

A golf pro dragged himself into the clubhouse, looking as though he’s just escaped a tornado.

“What’s wrong?” a woman asked.

“I just lost a game to Houlihan,” the pro said.

“What? But Houlihan’s the worst player I’ve ever seen. How could HE have beaten YOU?”

“He tricked me,” the pro said. “On the first tee, he asked for a handicap. I told him he could have 30, 40, 50 strokes–any handicap he wanted. He said, “Just give me two ‘gotchas’.”

“What’s a gotcha?” asked the woman.

“That’s what I wanted to know,” the pro said. “Houlihan said, ‘You’ll see.’ Then, as I was teeing off, just as I had my club poised, he screamed out ‘GOTCHA!’”

“I can guess what happened,” the woman said.

“Sure,” the pro said. “That scream threw me off, and I missed the ball completely.”

“Understandable,” the woman said, “but still, that’s only one swing. How did he win the game?”

The pro answered, “YOU try swinging at a golf ball while waiting for that second ‘gotcha!’”

A lady begins her first shot of the day off the tee. Unfortunately it slices and before she can yell FORE! It hits a man about 150 yrds away.

The man throws his hands together, reaches in between his legs and drops! Feeling terrible about this, the lady runs to him and says, “Are you alright?” He just moans rolling back and forth on the ground with his hands at his crotch. She says, “Let me help you. I’m a masseuse and I’ll massage that for you till the pain goes away!”

So she moves his hands and begins to massage his privates quite gently. He begins looking a bit better and she asks, “Does that feel good, are you alright?” To which the man replies, “Ya that feels great! But my thumb is still killing me from the ball!”

This really happened one day at our local Country Club…
Harold, an elderly golfer who walked the course every day, walked off of the 18th green after experiencing a dismal round. A few Club Members were standing out behind the clubhouse and watched Harold walk past and down to the pond behind the clubhouse. Harold then took his bag of clubs and threw them as far as he could into the pond. He then turned around and made his way to his car. He sat in his front seat with his head bowed for what seemed like a long time. The other members were beginning to get concerned and started to go over and check on the poor old guy.

Just as they started over, however, Harold got out of his car and headed back to the pond. It seemed, much to the members delight, that Harold was having a change of heart. He waded into the pond up to his waist, and found his bag. He then unzipped the compartment on the side, pulled out his car keys, dropped the clubs back into the water and went home.

As far as I know his clubs are still there.