Golf Jokes

One fine afternoon at the new golf course in Alabama, These two men were just finishing up the front nine when they decided to take a breather in the clubhouse. They went up to the lounge room and sat down and ordered a glass of beer. They started flipping thru the channels when they decided to watch the news. The first thing that was on was a woman about to comit suicide.

The first man, which was a businessman, said, “I bet you 100 dollars that she is gonna jump.”

The second man, which was a salesman, said, “OK, but I raise your 100 to 200 dollars saying she is not going to jump.”

About four seconds after they were done making the bet, she leapt off the building, falling 17 stories, she hit the ground with a bone crunching sound.

As the salesman started to get his wallet out of his back pocket when the businessman butted in to stop him.

“Listen, I can’t take your money, I saw this earlier today and I knew she was gonna jump.”

“So did I,” the salesman said, I just didn’t think she was dumb enough to do it again.”

Two friends were playing golf when one pulled out a cigar, but he
didn’t have a lighter, so he asked his friend if he had one.

“I sure do,” he replied and reached into his golf bag and pulled out a
12-inch Bic lighter.

“Wow!” said his friend, “where did you get that monster?”

“I got it from my genie.”

“You have a genie?” he asked.

“Yes, he’s right here in my golf bag.”

“Could I see him?”

He opens his golf bag and out pops the genie. The friend says, “I’m a
good friend of your master. Will you grant me one wish?”

“Yes I will,” the genie said, so he asks him for a million bucks. The
genie hops back into the golf bag and leaves him standing there
waiting for his million bucks.

Suddenly, the sky begins to darken, and the sound of a million ducks
flying overhead is heard.

The friend tells his golfing partner, “I asked for a million bucks not
ducks!”

He answers, “I forgot to tell you the genie is hard of hearing. Do
you really think I asked him for a 12-inch Bic?”

One day God, Jesus and Moses are playing a round of golf. Jesus and Moses have both hit respectable 250+ yard drives on a par 4 with abundant water hazards.

God takes his hit; lots of power in the stroke but he hooks badly, and the ball soars toward a deep pond. As it hits the surface, a trout rises beneath it to take a fly; the ball bounces off its head and deflects into the rough. A rabbit which was grazing peacefully there sees the ball land beside him, picks it up in his mouth and scampers off along the fairway. An eagle cruising above spots the bunny and after a steep power dive with talons flashing seizes the rabbit, and the unfortunate rodent is carried aloft. The eagle flies a perfect course towards the green, and just before it reaches the hole the heavens part and a bolt of lightning strikes the bird. The shock causes it to drop the rabbit, which lands on the green two feet from the pin. Stunned by the impact of the ground breaking his fall, the rabbit opens his mouth, the ball rolls out and trickles into the cup for a hole in one.

And Jesus says, “Aw dad, it’s only a game!”

A proposed revision to the rules of golf is being sought in South Florida, which will replace the traditional call of “FORE.” Once a player has hit an errant shot, he will be allowed to call “GORE,” while the ball is still in flight. He can then replace the ball in the same spot and hit it again.

The player can do this until he is satisfied the ball is going where he intended to hit it in the first place. This will cause the time of play to be extended until such time as the player can claim the hole.

This revision is causing some consternation to the PGA, but proponents say it is only fair.

A recent test of this new rule was recently played out in an exclusive club in Palm Beach County, Florida, and the the first hole only took 7 days to complete!!!

Moses and Jesus are part of a threesome playing golf one day. Moses pulls up to the tee and drives a long one. The ball lands on the fairway, but rolls directly toward a water trap. Quickly, Moses raises his club, the water parts, and the ball rolls to the other side, safe and sound.

Next, Jesus strolls up to the tee and hits a nice long one directly toward the same water trap. It lands right in the center of the pond and kid of just rests on top of the water. Jesus casually walks out on top of the water and chips the ball right up onto the green.

The, the third guy gets up and sort of randomly whacks the ball. It heads out over the fence and into oncoming traffic on a nearby street. It bounces off a truck and hits a nearby tree. From there, it bounces onto the roof of a shack close by and rolls down into the gutter, down the drain spout, out onto the fairway and straight toward the aforementioned pond.

On the way to the pond, the ball hits a little stone and bounces out over the water and onto a lily pad, where it comes quietly to rest. Suddenly, a very large bullfrog jumps onto the lily pad and snatches the ball into his mouth. Just then, an eagle swoops down, grabs the frog and flies away. As they pass over the green, the frog squeals with fright and drops the ball, which bounces right into the hole for a beautiful hole in one!

Moses leans over toward Jesus and whispers, “Do you think your dad would teach me that shot?”