Golf Jokes

A man and his wife were driving through Arkansas on his way from New York to California. Looking at his fuel gauge, he decides to stop at the next gasoline station and fill up.

About 15 minutes later, he spots a Shell station and pulls over to the high octane pump. “What can I do fer ya’ll?” asks the attendant.

“Fill her up with high test,” replies the driver.

While the attendant is filling up the tank, he’s looking the car up and down. “What kinda car is dat?” he asks, “I never seen one like it befer.”

“Well,” responds the driver, his chest swelling up with pride, “this, my boy, is a 1999 Cadillac DeVille.”

“What all it got in it?” asks the attendant.

“Well,” says the driver, “It has everything. It has power steering, power seats, power sun roof, power mirrors, AM/FM radio with a 10-deck CD player in the trunk with 100 watts per channel, 8-speaker stereo, rack and pinion steering, disk brakes all around, leather interior, digital instrument package, and best of all–an 8.8 liter V12 engine.”

“WOW!” says the attendant, “thata be someting.”

“How much do I owe you for the gasoline?” asks the driver.

“Thata be $30.17,” says the attendant. The driver pulls out his money clip and peels off a $20 and a $10. He goes into his other pocket and pulls out a handful of change. Mixed up with the change are golf tees.

“What dem little wooden tings?” asks the attendant.

“That’s what I put my balls on when I drive,” says the driver.

“WOW!” says the attendant, “dem Cadillac folkies tink of everything.”

Near the end of a particularly trying round of golf, during which the golfer had hit numerous fat shots, he said in frustration to his caddy, “I’d move heaven and earth to break a hundred on this course.”

“Try heaven,” said the caddy. “You’ve already moved most of the earth.”

Four work buddies were out golfing
at the 11th hole one of them says, “Play on … I have to go to the bathroom”, so they play on and get to talking about their sons.

The first guy says, “I am really proud of my son. He is doing so well, he bought his friend a new car.”

The second man boasts, “My son is doing so well that he just bought his friend a 24′ boat.”

The third guy says “Well, my son is so well off that he just bought his friend a new house with a pool.”

Finally, the buddy that went to the bathroom gets back and asks, “What were you guys talking about?”

They all reply that they were talking about their sons. The man looks at the ground and shakes his head.

The others ask what’s wrong. He replies “Well my son is gay. I’m not thrilled with it, but he is doing well. His last three boyfriends bought him a car, a boat and a house.”

This American golf fanatic always dreamed of playing at St. Andrews, and finally got the chance. Going with his wife, they teed off andhe proceeded to play the best game of his life. After 9 holes, he was 5 strokes under par,and was on cloud nine. On the back nine, he started playing even better,even getting an Eagle on the 16th hole.

He was so excited that he ended up slicing the shot on the 17th tee,and as he walked up to it, saw that his ball was behind a small shack for the groundskeepers.

Now he started to worry that his score would go up, but his caddy came up to him and said “Sir, this may sound like a tough shot, but if you put it through that window, the ball should go through the window on the other side, and if you’re lucky, the ball will roll onto the green. The way you’ve played today, I think you can make it.”

So the guy takes a look and sees that it’s a tough shot, but possible, so he tries it. But his shot just misses the window, hit the window frame, and struck his wife right in the head, killing her instantly.

Years go by and the man can’t forget that horrible day. People he tells the story to all sympathize with him, but he just has no will to live. But then he realizes what he must do - Face his nightmare!

He travels back to Scotland and plays another round at St. Andrews,and miraculously, he is playing another stellar game. He starts to feel better about himself as the round goes on, but when he approaches the 17th hole,he gets so nervous that he slices his shot to the same damned spot.

As at his ball lying there behind the shack, his caddy says “Sir, the way you’ve been playing, why not try a trick shot. Some of the other caddies say if you can get it through that window, it will follow through the one opposite it and roll onto the green.”

The guy says “Are you out of your fuckin’ mind? The last time I tried that I double-bogied!”

A lady and a friend were playing golf at a resort. The lady hits her golfball and a little while after hears a scream. She runs towards the scream and finds a man lying on the floor, holding his crutch. The woman exclaims, “oh my, I’m so sorry, please, i am a physiotherapist, let me massage it and it will feel better.” The man replies that it is fine. The women insists and sticks her hands down his pants and starts massaging. After a while, the woman asked if that felt better, and the man exclaimed”that feels great, but my thumb is still sore!”