Heaven Jokes

St. Peter and Satan were having an argument one day about baseball. Satan proposed a game to be played on neutral grounds between a select team from the heavenly host and his own hand-picked boys.

“Very well,” said the gatekeeper of Heaven. But you realize, I hope, that we’ve got all the good players and the best coaches.

“I know, and that’s all right,” Satan answered, unperturbed. “We’ve got all the umpires.”

I dreamt death came the other night,
And Heaven’s Gate swung wide-
An Angel with a halo bright
Ushered me inside.

And, there, to my astonishment,
Stood folks I’d judged and labeled;
As “quite unfit,” “of little worth”
And, “spiritually disabled!!”

Indignant words rose to my lips,
But never were set free,
For every face showed stunned surprise;
Not one expected ME!

The popular belief is that Heaven and Hell are one under the other. The actual layout is side by side, separated by a wooden fence.

One afternoon on the etheral planes, a group of demons are playing football and manage to crash into the fence, demolishing a large part of it.

God, anger in His eyes, roars over the fence to Satan, “Your little demons did this - therefore you must repair it!”

“Fine,” says Satan. “I’ve got all the builders and contractors over here anyway.”

However, the entire fence is rebuilt four foot further over into heaven.

God was furious!! Storming over to the fence, He shouts,
“You evil bastard!! I’ll sue you for this!!”

To which Satan replies - “Yeah? Where you gonna get a lawyer?!”

At the gates of Heaven, St. Peter is waiting for each soul that enters. It was a slow day, but finally, someone arrives at the gates. Peter looks the guy over and asks, “How long were you married and how many times did you cheat on her?”

The guy looks proudly at Peter and says, “In all the 25 years I was married, I never once cheated on my wife.” Peter smiles and says, “Because of that, you get to ride around Heaven in a Mercedes.” The car appears suddenly and the man gets in and drives off.

A second guy arrives at the gates, and Peter asks him, “How long were you married to your wife and how many times did you cheat on her?” The second guy looks down and says, “10 years, and 2 times.” Peter frowns a bit and replies, “For that, you will ride around Heaven in a Taurus.” The car appears and the man gets in and drives off.

The third man arrives in Heaven and Peter asks,”How long were you married, and how many times did you cheat on her?” The third guy replies, “5 years, and 6 times.” Peter says, “You get a Honda to drive around in Heaven then.” And the car appears and the man gets in and drives off.

Just as the third guy gets inside Heaven, the car stalls and won’t start. He gets out to see what was wrong, when he sees the first guy sitting at the side of the road, crying.

The third guy asks, “What’s wrong? Car trouble?”

The first guy answers, “No, I just saw my wife and she was riding a skateboard.”

Three men were in a car. The driver was drunk, and the car crashed in the middle of the desert on a huge rock.

The three men started going up to heaven. Half way up they stop, they then hear a voice, “YOU THREE MEN HAVE A CHOICE, YOU GUYS CAN GO STRAIGHT TO HEAVEN OR BE SOMETHING DIFFERENT ON EARTH OTHER THAN HUMAN.”

So the three men all said that they want to be back on earth.

They heard the voice again, “IN ORDER TO DO THIS YOU MUST RUN, JUMP OFF THE CLIFF AND YELL OUT WHAT YOU WANT TO BE.”

So they got sent to a cliff. The first guy runs jumps and yells out, “I WANNA BE A BALD EAGLE!” So he flies off.

The second guy runs, jumps, and yells out, “I WANNA BE A TWEETY BIRD!” So he flies off.

Finally the third guy asks “WHY DID THEY GO EAST, IM GOING WEST.” So the guy starts to run, right before the cliff he trips on a rock and yells out, “OOOHHHH SSHHIITT!”

KKAASSSPPLLAATT!!!