Heaven Jokes

There were two baseball players whom had been friends for a long time. Well, they had made a promise to each other that if one had died before the other that he would come back and tell him how heaven was.

As fate would have it, one of the men died in a car crash a couple of weeks later. One night while he was getting ready to go to bed, his dead buddy appeared in his room, so he asked him, “How is Heaven?”

He said “I have some good news and some bad news.”

“Well, tell me the good news.”

“The good news is in Heaven we play baseball all the time.”

“Well, what’s the bad news?”

“Tomorrow you’re pitching.”

Jack & Jill were walking off the eighteenth green as Jack was adding up both their scores. Jack says to Jill, “I’d move heaven and earth if I could break 100!”
Jill replies, “You better try heaven, you just moved half of the earth!”

A man passed away and went to Heaven.

Upon arriving at the pearly gates, St. Peter said, “Come on in. I’ll show you around. I really think you’ll like it here.” Walking through the gates, the man noticed that there were clocks everywhere.

It appeared that Heaven was nothing more than a giant clock warehouse.Surprised at how Heaven looked, the man asked St. Peter “what’s the deal with all the clocks?”

St. Peter replied, “they keep track of everybody on earth. There is one clock for each person. Every time someone tells a lie, his clock moves forward one minute. For instance, this clock belongs to Sam, a used car salesman. If you watch it closely, it will move any second.”

Click! The minute hand on Sam’s clock moved forward one minute. Click! It moved forward another minute. “Sam must be closing on a deal right now,” said St. Peter. “The minute hand on his clock moves all day long.”

The man and St. Peter continued walking and soon came across a clock covered with cobwebs. “Whose clock is this?” asked the man. “That clock belongs to the Widow Audrey. She is one of the finest persons on earth. I bet her clock hasn’t moved in a year or two.”

They continued walking and touring Heaven. The man enjoyed watching the clocks of all his friends. When the tour was finally finished, the man said, “I’ve seen everyone’s clock but one! Where is President Clinton’s clock kept?”

St. Peter smiled and said, “Look up there. We use his for a ceiling fan.”

Princess Diana and Dolly Parton die on the same day, and they both go before St. Peter to find out if they’ll be admitted to heaven. Unfortunately, there’s only one space left for that day, so St.Peter asks Dolly if there’s some particular reason why she should go to heaven, so she takes off her top and says, “Look at these. They’re the most perfect ones God ever created, and I’m sure it will please him to be able to see them every day for eternity.” St. Peter thanks Dolly, and asks Diana the same question. Diana drops her skirt and panties, takes a bottle of Perrier out of her purse, shakes it up, and douches with it. St. Peter says, “OK, Diana, you may go in. Have a nice day.”

Dolly is outraged. She screams, “What was that all about? I show you two of God’s own creations - she performs a disgusting, pornographic act, and she gets in and I don’t?!!!”…

“Sorry, Dolly, but a royal flush beats a pair, any day.”

A minister in Florida lamented that it was difficult to get his message across to his local congregation: “It’s so beautiful here in the winter,” he said, “that heaven doesn’t interest them that much.”

“And it’s so hot here in the summer that hell doesn’t really scare them either.”