Heaven Jokes

Fidel dies and goes to heaven. When he gets there, St. Peter tells him that he is not on the list and that no way, no how, does he belong in Heaven. Fidel must go to Hell.

So Fidel goes to hell where Satan gives him a hearty welcome and tells him to make himself at home.

Then Fidel notices that he left his luggage in Heaven and tells Satan, who says, “No hay problema. I’ll send a couple of little devils to get your stuff.”

When the little devils get to Heaven, they find the gates are locked–St. Peter is having lunch–and they start debating what to do. Finally, one comes up with the idea that they should go over the wall and get the luggage. As they are climbing the wall, two little angels see them, and one angel says to the other.

“My God! Fidel has been in hell no more than ten minutes, and we’re already getting refugees!”

One day while walking down the street a highly successful executive woman was tragically hit by a bus and died. Her soul arrived up in heaven where she was met at the pearly gates by St. Peter himself.

“Welcome to Heaven,” said St. Peter. “Before you get settled in though, it seems we have a problem. You see, strangely enough, we’ve never once had an executive make it this far, and we’re not really sure what to do with you.”

“No problem, just let me in.” said the woman.

“Well, I’d like to, but I have higher orders. What we’re going to do is let you have a day in Hell and a day in Heaven and then you can choose whichever one you want, to spend an eternity in.”

“Actually, I think I’ve made up my mind; I prefer to stay in Heaven”, said the woman.

“Sorry, we have rules…”

And with that, St. Peter put the executive in an elevator and it went down-down-down to hell.

The doors opened and she found herself stepping out onto the putting green of a beautiful golf course. In the distance was a country club and standing in front of her were all her friends - fellow executives whom she had worked with, and they were all dressed in evening gowns and cheering for her.

They ran up and kissed her on both cheeks and they talked about old times. They played an excellent round of golf and at night went to the country club where she enjoyed an excellent steak and lobster dinner.

She met the Devil who was actually a really nice guy (kinda cute) and she had a great time telling jokes and dancing. She was having such a good time that before she knew it, it was time to leave. Everybody shook her hand and waved good bye as she got on the elevator. The elevator went up-up-up and opened back up at the Pearly Gates and she found St. Peter waiting for her.

“Now it’s time to spend a day in Heaven,” he said. So she spent the next 24 hours lounging around on clouds and playing the harp and singing. She had a great time and before she knew it her 24 hours were up and St. Peter came and got her.

“So, you’ve spent a day in Hell and you’ve spent a day in Heaven. Now you must choose your eternity,” he said.

The woman paused for a second and then replied, “Well, I never thought I’d say this, I mean, Heaven has been really great and all, but I think I had a better time in Hell.”

So St. Peter escorted her to the elevator and again she went
down-down-down, back to Hell. When the doors of the elevator opened she found herself standing in a desolate wasteland covered in garbage and filth.

She saw her friends were dressed in rags and were picking up the garbage and putting it in sacks. The Devil came up to her and put his arm around her.

“I don’t understand,” stammered the woman, “yesterday I was here and there was a golf course and a country club and we ate lobster and we danced and had a great time. Now all there is, is a wasteland of garbage and all my friends look miserable.”

The Devil looked at her and smiled. “Yesterday we were recruiting you. Today, you’re STAFF.”

Three guys were driving down the highway and got into an head on collision with a semi, all three died.

Next thing they knew they were talking to Saint Peter at the gates of heaven. Saint Peter says, “Well, you three have had a pretty tough life, you have passed every test to get into heaven except one, you must walk down this trail without stepping on a duck.”

The three guys took off down the trail and not a hundred feet the first guy stepped on a duck, out of the blue the ugliest woman he had ever seen latched onto his arm and he was forced to walk with her for eternity. Ashamed, he left the trail and walked into the forest as the other two continued down the trail.

About a mile down the trail the second guy stepped on a duck too. Once again the ugliest woman he had ever seen latched onto his arm and he was to walk with her for eternity, so he left the trail as the last one continued.

The first two guys who stepped on the ducks met up in the forest and started comparing women. Then they saw in the distance the third guy walking toward them with the most gorgeous woman they had ever seen. They ran up to him and said, “This is the most beautiful woman I have ever seen, you must have made it down the trail.” The third guy simply replied, “No, she stepped on a duck.”

A man dies and finds himself in a small room that has a couch and TV set in it. There’s another fellow sitting on the couch watching TV.

The new arrival asks the man on the couch, “So, is this heaven or hell?”

The man looks up and says, “Well, there’s no windows or doors, and no apparent way out.”

“Oh,” says the first guy. “So it’s hell?”

“Well,” says the other guy, without looking up from the screen, “but they did give us this nice big TV set.”

“I see. So maybe it’s heaven?”

“Yeah, but the TV has only one channel.”

“Oh, so maybe it’s hell?”

“Well, but the TV station it gets is pretty good–it’s PBS.”

“Oh, so maybe it is heaven after all?”

“Yeah, except for one thing,” the other fellow says, sadly. “It’s ALWAYS pledge week.”

The Pope, Billy Graham, and Oral Roberts were in a three-way plane crash over the Pacific Ocean. They all died and went to heaven together.

“Oh, this is terrible,” exclaims St. Peter. “I know you guys think we summoned you here, but this is just one of those rare coincidences that happen. Since we we’re not expecting you, your quarters just aren’t ready. We can’t take you in, and we can’t send you back”

Then he got an idea. He picked up the phone . “Lucifer, this is Pete. Hey I got these three guys up here. They’re ours, but we weren’t expecting them, and we gotta fix the place up for ‘em. I was hoping you could put them up for a while. It’ll only be for a few days. What do you say?’

Reluctantly, the Devil agreed. However, two days later St. Peter got a call. “Pete, this is Luci. Hey you gotta come get these three clowns. This Pope fellow is forgiving everybody. The Graham guy is saving everybody, and that Oral Roberts has raised enough money to buy air conditioning.