Heaven Jokes

One day at Sunday school, the teacher was asking the children where Jesus lives. The teacher called on one of the kids who replied, “Jesus lives in my heart.”

“Very good.” said the teacher.

She calls on another kid.

“Jesus lives in Heaven.”

“Very good,” said the teacher.

Little Johnny is in the back of the room waving his hand to be called on. The teacher didn’t want to call on Johnny, but does anyway.

“Jesus lives in the bathroom,” says Johnny.

After a moment, the teacher asks Johnny why he thinks that Jesus lives in the bathroom.

Johnny replies, “Every morning when my dad gets up he bangs on the bathroom door and asks, ‘Jesus Christ, are you still in there!?’”

On their way to a justice of the peace to get married, a couple had a fatal car accident. The couple found themselves sitting outside Heaven’s Gate waiting on St. Peter to do an intake. While waiting, they wondered if they could possibly get married in Heaven.

St. Peter finally showed up and they asked him.
St. Peter said, “I don’t know, this is the first time anyone has asked. Let me go find out,” and he left.

The couple sat and waited for an answer … for a couple of months, and they began to wonder if they really should get married in Heaven, what with the eternal aspect of it all. “What if it doesn’t work?” they wondered.
“Are we stuck together forever?”

St. Peter returned after yet another month, looking somewhat bedraggled.

“Yes,” he informed the couple, “you can get married in Heaven.”

“Great,” said the couple, “but what if things don’t work out?
Could we also get a divorce in Heaven?”

St. Peter, red-faced, slammed his clipboard onto the ground.

“What’s wrong?” asked the frightened couple.

“COME ON!” St. Peter shouted, “It took me three months to find a priest up here! Do you have any idea how long it will take me to find a lawyer?”

On day a drunk was in a car accident and died. On the way to heaven an angel stopped him and said you must take a test. If you go to church you should know all the answers. She said when ever he got a question write he would know becuase the bells would chime and the angels would sing. And he got 3 questions right the heavenly gates would open. So they began, the first question was who were the first two people and he answered adam and eve and the bells chimed and the angels sang. The second question was what was eve made out of. The guy answered one of adams ribs. The bells chimed and the angels sang. the third question was what were the first words eve said to adam and the and all he could say was dang thats a hard one. And the bells chimed and the angels sang and the hevenly gates opended.

One day Moses, Jesus, and God were playing golf together in Heaven.

Moses drove the ball far out and it landed in a lake.

Moses opened his hands and the water opened up, he then hit the ball once more and it went into the hole.

On another hole, Jesus drove the ball far out and it landed in a lake. His ball was floating, so he walked along the water, he hit the ball once more and it went into the hole.

On another hole, God drove the ball far out and it landed in a lake. While God was thinking what to do, a fish brought the ball to the surface of the water and a bird flew over, picked up the ball and dropped it in the hole to make a Hole In One!

God looks down on earth and decides he’s had enough. With a crack of thunder, He summons to heaven the three most powerful people on Earth:
Bill Clinton, Boris Yeltsin and Bill Gates.

“Gentlemen,” God says. “I have called you here because I am truly disappointed in humans and decided to end the world. You have one week to prepare your people. With a crack of thunder, God sends all three back to Earth.

Bill Clinton calls together his Cabinet and tells them: “I have good news and bad news. The good news is there is a God. The bad news is he’s really ticked off at us and is going to end the world in a week.”

Boris Yeltsin calls together his Parliament and says: “Comrades, I have bad news and I have worse news. The bad news is we were wrong, there is a God. The worse news is that He’s very mad at us and the world is going to end in a week.”

Bill Gates calls together his top engineers and says: “I have good news and better news. The good news is God considers me one of the three most powerful people in the world. The better news is we don’t have to fix Windows 98.”