Heaven Jokes

On the day Forest dies, he meets God.

God says: “Forest, you’re a good man, and you’ve led a good life. I will allow you into heaven if you answer three questions correctly.”

Question 1. What are the two days of the week that start with T ?

Question 2. How many seconds are there in a year?

Question 3. What is my (God’s) first name?

After much thought, Forest responded. “God, I think I know all the answers to your questions. The first one, about the two days of the week that start with T…they are today and tomorrow.”

“Not what I expected you to answer, Forest.” God said. “But I can’t say that you are wrong. Have you thought about how many seconds there are in a year?”

“12,” Forest replied. “January second, February second…”

God, impressed by Forest’s creativity, said “Good Forest, Good, but do you know my first name?”

“Yes sir. It is Howard. Howard be thy name.”

A lady dies and goes to heaven. She arrives at the pearly gates and is greeted by Saint Peter. There are a few people waiting, so she strikes up a conversation with him. Just then, she hears a blood curdling scream!

“What was that?” she asks.

“Oh, it’s nothing,” says Saint Peter, “It’s just someone getting a hole drilled in their head so they can be fitted for their halo.”

A few seconds later, she hears another agonized scream, this one even more terrible than the one before.

“What was that?!” she asked anxiously.

“Oh, don’t worry,” says Saint Peter soothingly, “Someone’s getting holes drilled in their back so they can be fitted for their wings.”

The lady starts to back away. “Where are you going?” asks Saint Peter.

“I think I’ll go down to Hell, if it’s all the same to you,” says the lady.

“But you can’t go there,” says the saint, “You’ll be raped and sodomized!”

“It’s OK,” says the lady, “I’ve already got the holes for that.”

Once upon a time three nuns died and went to heaven. It was very bright and beautiful. They met St. Peter at the front gate.

He said, “The only way you can get into heaven is if you answer three questions. One question for each of you.”

The three nuns agreed. St. Peter began to the first nun, “What was the Immaculate conception?” “Why, it’s Mary being told that Jesus was going to be born, St. Peter,” said the first nun. And bells rang, the gates of heaven opened, and she entered heaven.

St. Peter went on to the second nun, “Who baptized Jesus?” The second nun began, “It was John the Baptist, St. Peter.” And bells rang, the gates opened, and she entered heaven.

He finally came to the third nun. He asked, “What was the first thing that Eve said to Adam in the Garden of Eden?” The third nun looked around in confusion trying to think of what she could of said. She then said, “Gee, that’s a hard one, Peter.” And bells rang, the gates opened.

A guy dies and goes to heaven. It’s a slow day for St. Peter, so, upon passing the entrance test, St. Peter says, “I’m not very busy today, why don’t you let me show you around?”

The guy thinks this is a great idea and graciously accepts the offer. St. Peter shows him all the sights, the golf course, the reading room and library, the observation room, the cafeteria and finally, they come to a HUGE room full of clocks.

The guy asks, “What’s up with these clocks?” St. Peter explains, “Everyone on earth has a clock that shows how much time he has left on earth. When a clock runs out of time, the person dies and comes to the Gates to be judged.”

The guy thinks this makes sense but notices that some of the clocks are going faster than others. He asks why is that?

St. Peter explains, “Every time a living person tells a lie, it speeds his clock.”

This also makes sense, so the guy takes one last look around the room before leaving and notices one clock in the center of the ceiling. On this clock, both hands are spinning at an unbelievable rate. So he asks, “What’s the story with that clock?”

“Oh, that,” St. Peter replies, “That’s Bill Clinton’s clock. We decided to use it as a ceiling fan.”

Three men - one Jewish, one Hispanic and one Italian - die and go to heaven. They meet St. Peter at the gate. St. Peter says there is only room for one soul at this time. He continues to say that the Pearly Gates need repair and the three men must offer bids to God to repair the Gates. Whoever gives the best bid will then be permitted to enter.

Each man goes off in a different direction to carefully determine the amont of his bid.

The Jewish man returns to St. Peter with a bid of $1000 stating that he will need all new steel, new hinges, new screws, etc. to do a proper job.

The Hispanic man returns to St. Peter stating that since he could reuse a lot of the materials, he could do the job for $500.

Finally, the Italian returns to St. Peter with a bid of $1,500. Shocked, St. Peter asks how the man expects to win the bid when his price is so high. To this, the Italian responds - “Hey, St. Peter - There’s $500 for you, $500 for me and we’ll let the Hispanic guy do it for $500.”