Heaven Jokes

An aging man lived alone in Ireland. His only son was in Long Kesh Prison, and he didn’t know anyone who would spade up his potato garden.

The old man wrote to his son about it, and received this reply, “For HEAVENS SAKE, don’t dig up that garden, that’s where I buried the GUNS!!!!!”

At 4 A.M. the next morning, a dozen British soldiers showed up and dug up the entire garden, but didn’t find any guns.

Confused, the man wrote to his son telling him what happened and asking him what to do next.

His son’s reply was: “Just plant your potatoes.”

Seymour was a good and pious man, and when he passed away, the Lord himself greeted him at the pearly gates of heaven.

“Hungry, Seymour?” the Lord asked.

“I could eat,” said Seymour.

The Lord opened a can of tuna, and they shared it.

While eating this humble meal, Seymour looked down into Hell and noticed the inhabitants devouring enormous steaks, pheasant, pastries and vodka.

The next day, the Lord again asked Seymour if he were hungry, and Seymour again said, “I could eat.”

Once again, a can of tuna was opened and shared, while down below Seymour noticed a feast of caviar, champagne, lamb, truffles, brandy, and chocolates.

The following day, mealtime arrived and another can of tuna was opened.

Meekly, Seymour said, “Lord, I am very happy to be be in heaven as a reward for the good life I lived. But, this is heaven, and all I get to eat is tuna. But in the Other Place, they eat like
Kings. I just don’t understand.”

“To be honest, Seymour,” the Lord said, “for just two people, does it pay to cook?”

Three men die in a car accident. They all find themselves at the pearly gates, waiting to enter Heaven. On entering, they are told that they must present something that represents “Christmas.”

The first man searches his pockets and finds some mistletoe, so he is allowed in.

The second man presents a cookie, so he is also allowed in.

The third man pulls out a pair of panties.

Confused at this last gesture, the angel asks, “How do these represent Christmas?”

“They’re Carol’s,” he said.

Henry Ford dies and goes to Heaven. At the gates, Gabriel tells him, “You’ve been such a good guy and your invention of the assembly line changed the lives of many people. As a reward, you can hang out with anyone you want to in Heaven.”

Ford thinks about it and says, “I want to hang out with God.” The be-feathered fellow at the Pearly Gates takes him to the throne room and introduces him to God.

Ford then asks God, “Hey, didn’t you invent Woman?”

God says, “Yes, after I created Man“.

“Well,” says Ford, “you have some major design flaws in your invention.”

1. There is too much front end protrusion
2. It chatters at high speeds
3. The rear end wobbles too much, and
4. The intake is too close to the exhaust.

“HMMM…” replies God, “Just a minute while I look into this.” God goes to the Celestial Supercomputer, types in a few keystrokes, and waits for the results.

The computer prints our a slip of paper and God reads it.
Then he looks at his Ford and say, “Well, my invention may be flawed, but according to my computer, more men ride my invention than yours.”

There was an engineer who died and went to heaven. God says, “No, you’re not supposed to be here. You have to go to hell.” So the guy goes to hell and sees the devil.

The engineer says to the Devil, “You know what, you need an air conditioner down here.” So the Devil says “You know what, you are right.” So the engineer installs an air conditioner in Hell.

The next day the engineer says “You need an escalator down here”, so the Devil says “You are right, why don’t you put one in.” The engineer puts in the escalator.

A couple of weeks later God calls down to the Devil to see if everything is going well and if it is hot enough. The Devil says, “No it’s not hot, we have an air conditioner and an escalator now.”

God says “How did you get all that?” The Devil says “You sent us an engineer.” God says “Well send him back up here.” The Devil says “No.”

God says “Send him back or I will sue you.”

The Devil says “GOOD LUCK FINDING A LAWYER.”