Heaven Jokes

The teacher of a third grade class was having a discussion about what body parts go to heaven first. She asked her students which they thought and Sarah, Jake and Little Jonny in the back raised their hands. The teacher thought to herself that she better not ask Jonny because he would just say something perverted. So she asked Sarah.

Sarah: “The head because you have to be smart to get into heaven.”

Then the teacher asked Jake.

Jake: “Your heart because you have to have a good heart to get into heaven.”

The teacher looked around the class and Jonny was the only one with his hand up, so she finally called on him.

Jonny: “Your feet”

The teacher was relieved that he didn’t say something dirty so she asked him, “Why your feet?”

Jonny: “Because I was at the door of my parents’ room and my mom was on the bed with her legs in the air yelling ‘oh g-d! I’m cummin!’”

St Peter and Satan met at the wall separating heaven from hell as someone had made a huge hole in the wall. St Peter told Satan that someone from hell must have made the hole, as surely NO ONE from heaven would be trying to get into hell.

Satan replied that St Peter was jumping to conclusions, as St Peter had not seen who made the hole. However, Satan, being generous, offered to pay for half the cost of repairing the hole.

St Peter said, “That is not right. You should pay for the entire repair.”

Satan’s response was, “Half is the most I will pay.”

St Peter replied, “That is not good enough. I will see you in court.”

Satan queried thoughtfully, “Just where are you going to get an attorney?”

Three girls died and were brought to the gates of heaven. Upon entering the gate, they were halted by St. Peter and his obedient angel.

St. Peter asked the girls, “Before entering you must answer this simple question.”

“Which is……?”, they replied in unison.

“Have you been a good girl?” He asked the first girl.

“Oh yes,” she said. “I was a virgin before I got married, and was still a virgin after i got married.”

“Very good”, said St. Peter. “Angel, give this girl….the golden key.”

“Have you been a good girl?”, he asked the second girl.

“Oh, quite good”, she said. “I was a virgin before I got married but was not after I got married.”

“Very good”, said St. Peter. “Angel, give this girl…the silver key.”

“Have you been a good girl?”, he asked the third girl.

“Oh, not at all”, she said. “I practically fucked any guy I met before and after I got married. Anywhere, anytime.”

“Very good”, said St. Peter. Angel, give this girl……my room key.”

One day, an elderly cat dies.

When he goes up to Heaven and meets God, God says to him “Dear sweet sweet cat, you have been such a faithful to your owner, and he has been so curel to you.

Is there anything that I can give to you?” And the cat replies, “All my life, I had to sleep on some old cold rags. Could you give me a nice warm blanket?” God gives him a blanket and the cat leaves.

About a week later, ten mice die and when they meet God, they ask him for rollar skates, since they had kids chase them on rollar skates.

God grants their wish and they went off.

A couple weeks later, God meets up with the cat and says, “So how is your life going in Heaven?” The cat replies, “Great! In fact, those meals on wheels you have been sending me are great!”

Former President Bill Clinton and Pope John Paul II both die on the same day, and by some error, the Pope gets sent to hell, while Bill Clinton goes to heaven.

Eventually, it’s been learned that there’s been a mistake. So Clinton has to get on the down escalator going from heaven to hell, while the Pope goes on the up escalator from hell to heaven. (Of course it’s an escalator.)

Clinton sees the Pope and says, “Your Excellency, how do you feel?” The Pope says, “I am so excited. After a life of service to God, I shall finally meet the Virgin Mary.”

Clinton replies, “Oops.”