Heaven Jokes

Pilot: “Pilot to tower, pilot to tower. We’re 400 miles from land, 800 feet high and running out of fuel, please instruct, over!”

Tower: “Tower to pilot, tower to pilot. Repeat after me. Our Father, who art in heaven….”

Boudreaux & Thibodeaux were standing at Heaven’s Gate, waiting to be interviewed by St. Peter.

Thibodeaux: “How did you get here?”

Boudreaux: “Hypothermia. You?”

Thibodeaux: “You won’t believe it. I was sure my wife was cheating on me, so I came home early one day hoping to find the guy. I accused my wife of screwing around and searched the whole house without any luck. Then I felt so badly about the whole thing I had a massive heart attack.”

Boudreaux: “Tee boy, if you had just checked the walk-in freezer, we’d both be alive!”

Bill Clinton and Al Gore are being flown by Bill Gates in his private plane. The plane crashes and all three are killed.

The three ascend to heaven and are met by The Lord. God first asks Gore what he believes. Gore says, “I believe humankind has really messed up the bounteous and beautiful planet that You gave to them. They should be taught to care for it better.” God said he liked Gore’s answer and asked him to take the seat on His left side.

God then asks Clinton what he believes. Clinton says, “I believe that people have become too selfish and cruel. They should be taught to share better and should love one another and treat each other more kindly.” God said he liked Clinton’s answer and asked him to take the seat on His right.

God then asks Gates what he believes. Gates says, “I believe you’re in my seat!”

There were these three guys, a White man, a African-American man, and a Portuguese guy. (Here in Hawaii we make fun of Portagees!) They all died in a terrible car crash and went to Heaven.

They thought it was great! But there was only one big rule, you could not step on any of the ducks or you’d have to spend the rest of the day with an ugly woman.

One day, the African-American and the Portagee were walking around and they saw the White man walking around with a terrible looking woman. They said, “Hey, what happened?” He says, “I stepped on one of those damn ducks!”

The next day the White man and the Portagee were walking around and they saw the African-American walking with a hideous woman. They said, “What the heck happened?” He said, “I stepped on one of those damn ducks!”

The next day the White man and the African-American man were walking around and they saw the Portagees guy walking around with a drop dead beautiful supermodel woman! They said, “Hey, what happened?” The supermodel said, “I stepped on one of those freakin’ ducks”!

There were these three nuns and they were trying to get into heaven.

So God appeared and said, “Answer this question correctly, and I’ll let you in.”

So he asked the first nun, “Who was the first man on earth?”

The nun said, “Adam”

So God said, “Bamm! You’re in heaven.”

So he asked the second nun, “Who was the first woman on earth?”

And she said, “Eve!”

So God said, “Bamm! You’re in heaven.”

Finally it was the third nun’s turn, and He asked her, “What was the first thing Eve said to Adam?”

She thought for a moment, scratching her head then said, “Gee, THATS HARD!!”

So God said, “Bamm! You’re in heaven.”