Heaven Jokes

Marriages are made in heaven. So are thunder and lightning!

Three people were trying to get into heaven. St. Peter asked the first one, “Who’s there?”

“It’s me, Albert Jones,” the voice replied. St. Peter let him in.

St Peter then asked the second one the same question, “Who’s there?”

“It’s me, Charlie Smith,” And St. Peter let him in.

He finally asked the third one, “Who’s there?”

“It is I, Verla Mara,” answered the third person.

“Oh, great!” muttered St. Peter. “Another one of those English teachers.”

A woman walks into the butcher shop just before closing. She says, “Thank Heavens, I’ve made it in time! Have you a turkey?” The butcher opens his fridge and takes out his only turkey, and plops it onto the scale. It weighs 4 12 pounds.

“Ah, haven’t you anything bigger?” the woman inquires.

The butcher returns the turkey to the fridge, takes it out again, and plops it onto the scale, only this time, he keeps his thumb on the turkey. The scale shows 7 14 pounds.

“Marvelous!” says the woman. “I’ll take both of them, please.”

A recent study by NASA concluded that only 30% of women went to heaven.

Why

Because any more than that and it would be HELL!

One day, Jesus and his disciples were walking down the streets of Heaven and Jesus tripped over a old Man.

He asked the old man what was the matter. He said when he was alive on earth, he had a son.

So Jesus asked him to describe his son. He said that he is very polite and has holes in his hands and feet.

” Father ?!” Jesus said.

The old man looked up and said ” PINOCCHIO?!!!”