Heaven Jokes

Three ministers and their wives took a vacation together. On the way they were involved in a car crash which killed all six.

Upon arriving at the gates of Heaven the first minister walked straight up to Peter and said, “I, my friend have dedicated my life to all that is good. Surely I can enter.”

Peter explained, “You, my friend, had such a lust of money, that you would not marry untill you met your wife, Penny. You do not belong here. To damnation, you go.”

The second minister says to Peter, “My good friend, I have been the upmost person of faith in my time as mortal. Surely, in your heart, you know that this is true.”

“Hold on”, said Peter. “You have craved alcohol in your whole time of being, that you would not marry until your wife, Ginny, stammered into your life. Away to eternal flame you go!”

The third minister walked up to Peter, looked at him, and then turned to his wife and said, “Come on, Fanny, we’re out of here.”

The Pope and President Clinton just happened to die on the same day.

Now obviously the Pope was to go to heaven and Clinton was supposed to go to hell. Somehow this gets crossed up.

God and Satan realized their error and Satan sent the Pope up and God sent Clinton down. They just happened to meet in the middle, so they stopped to chit-chat for a minute.

Clinton asked the pope,”What had you hoped to do when you got to heaven?”

The Pope replied very solemly, “I had hoped to meet the
blessed virgin Mary.”

Clinton replied, “Sorry, you are too late.”

The lawyer is standing at the gate to Heaven and St. Peter is listing his sins:

1) Defending a large corporation in a pollution suit where he knew they were guilty.

2) Defending an obviously guilty murderer because the fee was high.

3) Overcharging fees to many clients.

4) Prosecuting an innocent woman because a scapegoat was needed in a controversial case.

And the list goes on for quite awhile.

The lawyer objects and begins to argue his case. He admits all these things, but argues, “Wait, I’ve done some charity in my life also.”

St. Peter looks in his book and says,”Yes, I see. Once you gave a dime to a panhandler and once you gave an extra nickel to the shoeshine boy, correct?”

The lawyer gets a smug look on his face and replies, “Yes.”

St. Peter turns to the angel next to him and says, “Give this guy 15 cents and tell him to go to hell.”

Three nuns died and went to heaven. St. Peter upon seeing them says “You three have been so good that I will allow you to go back as anyone you want.”

The first nun says, “I want to go back as Madonna, that woman has fucked everyone,”

The second nun says, “I want to go back as Linda Lovelace, now there’s a whore!”

The third says, “I want to go back as Alice Kinpipaline!”

St. Peter says, “Sorry sister, there has never existed such a person.”

Upon persistence from the nun, St. Peter reviews all the past 100 years of newspapers he can find and finally exclaims, “No sister, the newspaper said THE ALASKAN PIPEPLINE WAS LAID BY 3000 MEN !!!”

You might be a reneck if…

-You think potted meat on a saltine is an hors d’oeuvre.
-You’ve ever spraypainted your girlfriend’s name on an overpass.
-You’ve ever Christmas shopped at a truck stop.
-You think heaven looks alot like Daytona, Florida.
-You truly think God looks like Hank Williams Jr.
-You go to a stockcar race and don’t nead a program.
-Someone asks to see your I.D. and you show em your belt buckle.
-Directions to your house include “turn off the paved road.”
-You’ve ever used a weed eater indoors.
-You’ve ever been kicked out of the KKK for being a “bigot.”
-You’ve ever lost a tooth opening a beer bottle.
-Hail hits your house and you take it to the body shop for an estamate.
-You have a trash bad for a passenger side window.
-Thanksgiving supper was ruined cause you ran out of ketchup.
-You think of duct tape as a long term investment.
-You’ve ever hit a juke box with a cue stick.
-Hitchhikers won’t get in the car with you.
-You can spit without opening your mouth.
-You only need one more hole punched in your card before you get a “freebie” at the House of Tatoos.