Heaven Jokes

Sam was very proud of his Texas heritage and lived there until he died. When he arrived in heaven, St. Peter gave him the deluxe tour.

Behind the first door was a beautiful tropical beach. Sam poked his head in to look, but quickly announced that Galveston had nicer beaches. Behind the second door was the most mind-boggling amusement park ever imagined, but Sam said he was sure Dallas had more impressive parks.

After a dozen more such responses, an annoyed St. Peter pulled him to the edge of a nearby cliff overlooking Hell and shouted, “You see that enormous lake of fire and brimstone? Have you anything like that in Texas?”

“Well, no,” Sam replied sheepishly, “but I do know a guy in Houston who can put it out for you.”

Q: What do you call a handcuffed man?
A: Trustworthy.

Q: What does it mean when a man is in your bed gasping for breath and calling your name?
A: You didn’t hold the pillow down long enough.

Q: Why do only 10% of men make it to heaven?
A: Because if they all went, it would be Hell.

Q: Why do men like smart women?
A: Opposites attract.

Q: How are husbands like lawn mowers?
A: They’re hard to get started, they emit noxious odors, and half the time they don’t work.

Q: How can you tell when a man is well hung?
A: When you can just barely slip your finger in between his neck and the noose.

Q: How do men define a “50/50″ relationship?
A: We cook-they eat; we clean-they dirty; we iron-they wrinkle.

Q: How do you get a man to stop biting his nails?
A: Make him wear shoes.

Q: How does a man show he’s planning for the future?
A: He buys two cases of beer instread of one.

Q: What do most men and Colonel Sanders have in common?
A: All they think about are legs, breasts and thighs.

Q: How many men does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A: ONE…He just holds it up there and waits for the world to revolve around him.

Q: What did God say after creating man?
A: I can do so much better.

Q: What do you call a man with half a brain?
A: Gifted.

Q: What should you give a man who has everything?
A: A woman to show him how to work it.

Q: What’s a man’s idea of honesty in a relationship?
A: Telling you his real name.

Q: What’s the best way to force a man to do sit ups?
A: Put the remote control between his toes.

Q: What’s the difference between Big Foot and an intelligent man?
A: Big Foot’s been spotted several times.

Q: What’s the smartest thing a man can say?
A: “My wife says…”

Q: Why did God create man before woman?
A: Because you’re always supposed to have a rough draft before creating your masterpiece.

Q: Why do female black widow spiders kill the males after mating?
A: To stop the snoring before it starts.

Q: Why do jocks play on artificial turf?
A: To keep them from grazing.

Q: Why do men need instant replay on TV sets?
A: Because after 30 seconds they forget what happened.

Q: Why does it take 100 million sperm to fertilize one egg?
A: Because not one will stop and ask for directions.

Q: Why is it good that there are female astronauts?
A: When the crew gets lost in space, at least the woman will ask for directions.

Q: Why is psychoanalysis quicker for men than for women?
A: When it’s time to go back to his childhood, he’s already there.

Clinton died and went to heaven-or to be more accurate-approached the Pearly Gates. After knocking at the gates, St. Peter appeared.

“Who goes there?” inquired St. Peter.

“It’s me, Bill Clinton”

“And what do you want?” asked St. Peter.

“Lemme in!” replied Clinton.

“Soooo,” pondered Peter. “What bad things did you do on earth?”

Clinton thought a bit and answered, “Well, I smoked marijuana but you shouldn’t hold that against me because I didn’t inhale. I guess I had extra-marital sex — but you shouldn’t hold that against me because I didn’t really have ’sexual relations.’ And I lied, but I didn’t commit perjury.”

After several moments of deliberation St. Peter replied, “OK, here’s the deal. We’ll send you someplace where it is very hot, but we won’t call it ‘Hell.’ You’ll be there for an indefinite period of time, but we won’t call it ‘eternity.’ And don’t ‘abandon all hope’ upon entering, just don’t hold your breath waiting for it to freeze over.”

Three men stand before St. Peter awaiting admission into Heaven. However, St. Peter has been informed that Heaven will only admit 33% of applicants today. The admissions standard: Who died the worst death? So, St. Peter takes each of the three men aside in turn and asks them about how they died.

First man: “I’d been suspecting for a long time that my wife was cheating on me. I decided to come home early from work one afternoon and check to see if I could catch her in the act. When I got back to my apartment, I heard the water running. My wife was in the shower. I looked everywhere for the guy, but couldn’t find anyone or any trace that he had been there. The last place I looked was out on the balcony.

I found the bastard hanging from the edge, trying to get back in! So I started jumping up and down on his hands, and he yelled, but he didn’t fall. So I ran inside and got a hammer, and crushed his fingers with it until he fell twenty-five floors screaming in agony. But the fall didn’t kill the asshole. He landed in some bushes! So I dragged the refirgerator from the kitchen (it weighed about a ton), pulled it to the balcony, and hurled it over the edge. It landed right on the guy and killed him. But then I felt so horrible about what I had done, I went back into the bedroom and shot myself.”

St. Peter nodded slowly as the man recounted the story. Then, telling the first man to wait, he took the second aside.

Second man: “I lived on the twenty-seventh floor of this apartment building. I had just purchased this book on morning exercises and was practicing them on my balcony, enjoying the sunshine, when I lost my balance and fell off the edge. Luckily, I only fell about two floors before grabbing another balcony and holding on for dear life. I was trying to pull myself up when this guy came running onto what must have been his balcony and started jumping up and down on my hands. I screamed in pain, but he seemed really irate. When he finally stopped, I tried to pull myself up again, but he came out with a hammer and smashed my fingers to a pulp! I fell, and I thought I was dead, but I landed in some bushes. I couldn’t believe my second stroke of luck, but it didn’t last. The last thing I saw was this enormous refrigerator falling from the building down on top of me and crushing me.”

St. Peter comforted the man, who seemed to have several broken bones. Then he told him to wait, and turned to the third man.

Third man: “Picture this. You’re hiding, naked, in a refrigerator…”

Three chinese were being interviewed to get into heaven. St. Peter asks them, “Tell me what you know about Easter.”

The 1st Guy says, “Easter wary big howaday, kids dress up funny, go to neighbor and get candy.”

“NO NO, that’s halloween.”

The 2nd Guy says, “Easter wary big howaday, family all get together, have big turkey dinner.”

“NO NO NO, you’re also confused, that’s Thanksgiving.”

The 3rd Guy says, “Easter we celebrate Jesus, how he die for us on cross.”

“Very good,” says St. Peter, “Tell me more!”

“Jesus buried in tomb for three day and come back to life,” the 3rd man continued.

“Excellent!! Finish the story, please!”

“Third day Jesus come out of tomb, see shadow, go back in tomb, get 6 more weeks of winter.