Heaven Jokes

A Pope died and went to Heaven and was met by St. Peter.
St. Peter greeted him warmly and said, “Sir you have been such a good servant, We would like to offer you anything you want too make you feel at home”.

The Pope said, “I have always thought I would like to drive through Heaven in a long white limousine”.

St. Pete said, “I’m sorry, that’s the one thing that we can’t grant”.

The Pope said, “I understand” and walked away.

About that time, a long white limosine pulled up to the curb and a man got out.

The Pope went back to St. Peter and said, “I thought you didn’t have any limosines in Heaven”.

“I didn’t say we don’t have any, I just said you can’t have one.

The Pope asked, a little dejected, “Who is he and why does he get one?”.

“He is a lawyer,” replied St. Peter.

“I still don’t understand”, protested the Pope.

“Look”, said St. Peter, “We have hundreds of Popes, thousands of cardinals and bishops, but he is the only lawyer…”

The Scene: The Pearly Gates to Heaven. St Peter is at the entrance.

A cat shows up. St Peter says “I know you! You were a very nice cat on earth and
didn’t cause any trouble, so I want to offer a gift to you of one special thing you have always wanted.”

Cat: “Well, I did always long to own a nice satin pillow like my master had, so I could lie on it.”

St Peter: “That’s easy. Granted. You shall have the satin pillow after you enter in.”

Next a group of mice appeared.

St Peter: “Ah, I remember you. You were such good mice on earth. You didn’t steal food from anyone’s house and never hurt other animals. Therefore, I want to grant you one special wish you always wanted.”

The Chief Mouse replied, “Well, we always watched the children playing and saw them roller skate, and it was beautiful, and it looked like so much fun. So can we each have some roller skates, please?”

St Peter: “Granted. You shall have your wish.”

Next day, St Peter is making the rounds inside the Gates, and sees the cat.

“Well, Cat…Did you enjoy the satin pillow?”

Cat: “Oh, indeed I did. And say…that “Meals on Wheels” thing was a nice touch, too!”

For decades, two heroic statues, one male and one female, faced each other in a city park, until one day an angel came down from Heaven.

“You’ve been such exemplary statues,” he announced to them, “that I’m going to give you a special gift. I’m going to bring you both to life for thirty minutes, in which you can do anything you want.”

And with a clap of his hands, the angel brought the statues to life. The two approached each other a bit shyly, but soon dashed into the bushes, from which shortly emerged a good deal of giggling, laughter, and shaking of branches.

Fifteen minutes later, the statues emerged from the bushes, wide grins on their faces. “You still have fifteen more minutes,” said the angel, winking knowingly. Grinning even more widely, the female statue turned to the male statue and said,

“Great! Only this time YOU hold the pigeon down and I’ll crap on its head!!”

3 friends die in a car accident and they go to an orientation in Heaven. They are all asked, “When you are in your casket and friends and family are mourning you, what would you like to hear them say about you?

The first guy says,”I would like to hear them say that I was a great doctor of my time, and a great family man.”

The second guy says, “I would like to hear that I was a wonderful husband and school teacher which made a huge difference in our children of tomorrow.”

The last guy replies, “I would like to hear them say … LOOK, HE’S MOVING!!”

A guy by the name of George died and found himself waiting to be let into Heaven. As George stepped up the gates Saint Peter asked him his name. George answered and Saint Peter ran his finger down the list. “I’m sorry, you’re not on the list. I’m afraid I can’t let you in.”

“There must be some mistake. I’ve lived a very decent life on Earth. The only thing that I’ve done wrong was cuss the other day on the golf course.”

“Well, why don’t you tell me what happened,” said Saint Peter.

“Well, I was on the 13th hole, and I drove the ball stright into the mud. Since it was my last ball, I had to play it the way I had found it. There was a big grove of trees in the way.”

“Is that when you cussed?” asked Saint Peter.

“No,”said George,” I took a swing at it, and I completely missed the ball.”

“Is that when you cussed?”

“No,” replied George,” I decided to take another swing at it. I hit it with all my might and it popped out of the mud, flew over the trees, onto the front of the green, and rolled about 12 inches away from the flag.”

Said Saint Peter, “JESUS CHRIST! YOU DIDN’T MISS A GODDAMNED ONE FOOT PUTT, DID YOU?”