Heaven Jokes

Little Johnny died and went to Heaven. He waited in a long line at the Pearly Gates until he was the only one left. St. Peter asked Little Johnny if he was ready to take the test for admittance into Heaven.

Little Johnny said, “Sure.”

“OK,” said St. Peter. “First question. How many seconds are there in a year?”

“Well, there are 12,” said Little Johnny.

“How did you come up with that?”

“Well, there is the second of January, the second of February….”

“OK, it’s not the answer I was expecting, but it’s right, nonetheless.”

“Now for the second question: How many days of the week start with the letter ‘T’?”

“There are two days in the week that start witht he the letter ‘T,’ and they are ‘Today’ and ‘Tomorrow.’”

“OK, I’ll let that one pass, too.”

“Now for the last question: What is Jesus’ name?”

“Andy,” replied Little Johnny.

“How did you come up with ‘Andy’?”

“Andy walks with me, Andy talks with me….”

Well it came to pass, that the richest man in the world had finally expired.

Bill Gates shows up one fine heavenly day at the Pearly Gates and beckons on St. Peter…

ST. PETE: “Well Mr. Gates, it appears there has been a mistake here, I don’t see your name on the list.

BILL: “Are you sure, search again”

ST. PETE:” OK, let’s see, theres, Jobs, Woz, Ellison, Clark, NOPE! No Gates!”

“Sorry, Mr. Gates but unfortunately money can’t buy everything… you can take the elevator down to HELL. Thank you!”

(One month goes by)

ST. PETE (Pensive): “Hmm, I wonder how ole Bill is cutting it down in HELL… I think I will call and see how he is”

(He dials the phone)

ring!… ring!…ring!

“INFERNOSOFT — how may we help you today?”

ST.Pete: “DOH!!!”

Three gang bangers are shot in an aborted holdup. While awaiting their fate to determine whether they are to go to Heaven or to Hell, they sneak out of the holding zone and arrive at the Pearly Gates where upon they are greeted by St. Peter.

“Check it out, bro,” says the lead gang banger to St. Peter. “Dis is where we belong.”

“I’m sorry,” replies St. Peter, “but I don’t see any of your names on the admittance list.”

“Say what?” says the gang banger. “Look closer and check out our rap sheet man,” demands the gang boss.

“I have,” said St. Peter. “You’ve raped, you’ve robbed, you’ve pillaged. There’s no way God would allow your kind here in heaven.”

“Bullshit,” says the gang banger. “I knows God and I’m sure that if you aksed him personally he’d see to it that we’d be welcome with open arms here in Heaven.”

“If you insist, I’ll go ask God,” replies St. Peter. “Just stay put and I’ll be right back.”

With that St. Peter knocks on God’s door and enters.

“Excuse me, Lord, but I’ve got three gang bang members waiting outside the Pearly Gates looking to get in to Heaven. They are insistent that you come down and talk to them,” said St. Peter. “Personally, there is no way their kind is welcome here in Heaven, but I told them I would at least ask you.”

“Judge no man by his outward self,” God responds. “I’ll go and see for myself whether they are worthy of life everafter here in paradise.”

With that God leaves and returns shortly thereafter.

“I went there and they were gone,” said God upon his return.

“The gang bangers were gone?” asked St. Peter.

“No, the Pearly Gates. They were gone!”

Bill Clinton and the Pope both die on the same day. Clinton goes to heaven and the Pope goes to hell.

Upon their arrivals at their respectful destinations the Pope begins to argue with Satan that there must have been a mistake.

After checking the computer the devil comes back and tells the Pope that there was a mistake and that he should get on the UP escalator as soon as a replacement can be found in heaven.

Shortly thereafter the devil instructs the Pope to board the UP escalator.

So as the Pope is riding the up escalator he passes Clinton who is on the DOWN escalator. Clinton says to the Pope, “Father I just want you to know that I am taking your place in hell.”

The Pope looks at Clinton and says, “Thank you, my son. I am so happy to be going to heaven. I cannot wait to meet God, Jesus and the Virgin Mary!”

Clinton looks at the Pope and replies, “Well Father, two out of three ain’t bad!”

Once upon a time in the Kingdom of Heaven, God went missing for six days. Eventually, Michael the Archangel found him. He inquired of God, “Where were you?”

God sighed a deep sigh of satisfaction and proudly pointed downwards through the clouds. “Look son, look what I’ve made”.

Archangel Michael looked puzzled and said, “What is it?”

God replied, “It’s a planet and I’ve put LIFE on it. I’ve named it Earth and there is a balance between everything on it. For example, there’s North America and South America. North America is going to be rich and South America is going to be poor, and the narrow bit joining them that’s going to be a hot spot. Now look over here. I’ve put a continent of white people in the north and another one of black people in the south.”

The archangel then said, “And what’s that long white line there?” And God said “Ah - that is New Zealand - the land of the long white cloud and that’s a very special place. That’s going to be the most glorious spot on earth; beautiful. Mountains, lakes, rivers, streams, and an exquisite coast-line. These people here are going to be modest, intelligent and humorous and they’re going to be found travelling the world. They’ll be extremely sociable, hard working and high achieving. And I’m going to give them this superhuman, undefeatable rugby team which will be blessed with the most talented, and charismatic specimens on the planet, and will be admired and feared by all who come across them.”

Michael the Archangel gasped in wonder and admiration but then seeming startled proclaimed: “Hold on a second, what about the BALANCE? You said there was going to be a balance.”

God replied wisely, “Wait until you see the bunch of loud-mouthed wankers I’m putting next to them.”