Heaven Jokes

girl: I’d like a triple vanilla ice-cream sundae with chocolate syrup, nuts, and lots of whipped cream.
waiter: is that with a cherry on top?
girl: heavens no! I’m on a diet.

An accountant got out of bed and complained that he had not slept a wink .
“why didn’t you count sheep?” his wife asked
“I did, that is what got me into trouble,” the accountant replied ” I made a mistake during the first hour, and it took me until this morning to correct it.”

baby skunk: Can I have a chemistry set?
mama skunk: What ! and smell up the house.

Looking for a place to sit down, a drunk wandered into a church during Sunday services just as the priest was asking, “Who wants to go to Heaven?” The entire congregation waved their hands in the air and responded, “I do, I do!” The drunk began to raise his hand, looked around, and then lowered his hand.

Later in his sermon, the priest asked again, “Who wants to go to Heaven?” The entire congregation again answered, “I do, I do!” Still, the drunk sat silently looking around.

The priest asked the drunk, “Don’t you want to go to Heaven?”

The guy replied, “I think I’m gonna go on the third trip ’cause the first two are already full.”

There were three men standing at the Pearly Gates of Heaven, where Saint Peter met them and asked, “What would each of you like to hear your relatives or friends say at your funeral?”

The first man answered, “I am a renowned doctor and I would love to hear someone say how I had been instrumental in saving someone’s life and gave them a second chance.”

The second man replied, “I am a family man and a school teacher, I would like to hear some say what a great husband and father I was, and that I had been made a difference in some young person’s life.”

The third man replied, “Wow guys, those are really great things, but I guess if I had my choice, I would rather hear someone say, “LOOK!!! HE’S MOVING!!!”

He who drinks…
Gets drunk,
He who gets drunk…
Goes to sleep,
He who goes to sleep…
Does no sin
He who does no sin…
Goes to Heaven,
So let’s all drink and go to Heaven!!!

There was an old miser who was close to death. While on his deathbed, he gathered his family around to tell them his last requests.

“I want one of you to take all my money and put it in a box in the attic. That way, when I die, I can take it to heaven with me.”

A couple of days later, the miser died. After the funeral, the family once again gathered at the house. The widow went up to the attic and came down, carrying the box. She held it in front of everyone and opened it. The cash was still there!

“Darn fool,” said the widow, “I told him he should have put the box in the cellar!”