Irish Jokes

An Englishman, a German, a Scotsman and an Irishman are in a London pub, trading stories about how dumb their wives are.

“My wife,” says the Englishman, “is so dumb that she spent $300 on frozen pork chops because they were on sale, and we don’t even have a freezer.”

The German says, “Oh yah? My vife chust bought skis, und ve liff no vhere near a mountain.”

The Scotsman says, “Aye, lad, that’s prrrety dumb, but my wife just bought a car and she canna drive.”

The Irishman starts laughing at his own wife’s stupidity and says, “Ah, me wife is a total idiot. Yesterday she was packing her bag for a trip to America. She threw in a box of condoms and she don’t even have a penis.”

An Englishman, Irishman and a Scotsman went for a round of golf and their wives went along as caddies.

While walking around the course, the English man’s wife caught her foot in a rabbit hole, tripped up, and landed in a heap on the ground. Her skirt was over her head revealing that she wasn’t wearing any knickers!

The Englishman stormed over and angrily demanded a reason for her state of undress. “Well darling,” she explained, “you give me so little allowance that I have to make the odd sacrifice. Usually no one notices.” The Englishman thrusts his hand into his pocket and said, “Here’s a ten spot. Go to Mark’s and Spencer’s and get some knickers.”

Two holes further along the Irish Man’s wife caught her foot on a molehill, tripped up and landed in a heap on the ground. Again, her skirt was up over her head, revealing that she wasn’t wearing any knickers either! The Irish man was livid and he angrily demanded a reason for her lack of undergarments.

“Well darling,” she explained, “you give me so little allowance, I cannot afford to buy undergarments.”

With that, the Irish man thrust his hand into his pocket and said, “Here’s a five spot. Go to Woolworth’s and get some knickers.”

Three holes further on, the Scottish man’s wife caught her foot on an exposed root, tripped up and landed with her skirt over her head revealing that even she wore no knickers! Her explanation to her irate husband was the same as the others: Simply a lack of allowance. The Scottish man thrust his hand into his pocket and said, “Here’s a comb. At least you can tidy yourself up a bit.”

An Irishman walks into a bar in Dublin, orders three pints of Guinness and sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn. When he finishes them, he comes back to the bar and orders three more. The bartender asks him, “You know, a pint goes flat after I draw it, it would taste better if you bought one at a time.” The Irishman replies, “Well, you see, I have two brothers. One is in America, the other in Australia, and I’m here in Dublin. When we all left home, we promised that we’d drink this way to remember the days when we drank together.” The bartender admits that this is a nice custom, and leaves it there.

The Irishman becomes a regular in the bar, and always drinks the same way. He orders three pints and drinks them in turn. One day, he comes in and orders two pints. All the other regulars notice and fall silent. When he comes back for the second round, the bartender says, “I don’t want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my condolences on your great loss.”

The Irishman looks confused for a moment, then a light dawns in his eye and he laughs. “Oh, no,” he says, “everyone’s fine. I’ve just quit drinking.”

Q. Where does an Irish family go on vacation?

A. A different bar

Two Irishmen Patrick (said Paa-truck) and Michael (said My-cal) decided that they wanted to do something for their environment. So they each bought a pig to keep in their neighbouring back yards; the pigs would eat all the food scraps and provide manure for the garden.

After buying the pigs at market both Irishmen were worried that they may get mixed up about whose pig was whose.

Patrick say to Michael, “I tell ya wot Michael, I’ll cut the right ear of my pig off and that way I’ll know which is mine and you’ll know which is yours.”

Michael says, “That’s brilliant, Patrick.”

That night one pig breaks through the dividing fence between yards and the pigs have a terrible fight. The pig without his right ear bites the right ear off the other pig.

Next morning Michael and Patrick are perplexed.

Patrick thinks for a moment and says, “I tell ya wot Michael, I’ll cut the other ear off my pig and then we can tell them apart again.

Michael says, “That’s brilliant, Patrick.”

That night the pigs mingle again and have a terrible fight. The pig without his both ears bites the remaining ear off the other pig.

Next morning Michael and Patrick are even more perplexed.

Patrick now goes for his last resort, “Michael, I’ll just have to cut the tail off my pig to tell them apart.”

Michael says, “That’s brilliant, Patrick.”

Again at night one pig breaks through and the pigs have a terrible fight. The pig without his ears and tail bites the tail off the other pig.

Next morning Michael and Patrick are totally perplexed.

Micahel turns to Patrick and says, “I have an even better idea Patrick”

Patrick.. “Wot’s dat, Michael?”

Michael…”You take the white pig and I’ll take the black pig.”