Irish Jokes

One day at kindergarten, the teacher says to the class of five-year-olds, “I’ll give $2 to the child who can tell me who the most famous man who ever lived was.”

An Irish boy raised his hand and said, “Please, Miss, it was St. Patrick.”

The teacher said, “Sorry, Sean, that’s not correct.”

Then a Scottish boy put his hand up and said, “Please, Miss, it was St. Andrew.”

The teacher replied, “I’m sorry, Hamish, that’s not right either.”

Finally, a Jewish boy raised his hand and said, “Please, Miss, it was Jesus Christ.”

The teacher said, “That’s absolutely right, Hymie. Come up here, and I’ll give you your $2.”

As the teacher was giving Hymie his money, she said, “You know, Hymie, you being Jewish, I was very surprised you said Jesus Christ.”

“I know, Miss. In my heart I knew it was Moses, but business is business,” Hymie replied.

During world war 2 a Scottish general, an English general and an Irish general were captured by a German S.S. officer. They were all standing outside a concentration camp when the S.S. agent says,
“Before du go in to die concentration camp , I vill give each of you vone hundert lashes , but since you have vought bravely I vill give you one vish each.”

He then turns to the Scottish general and asks him,
“Vhat is your vish ? ”

And the scottish general replies, “I would like one of your wee S.S. jackets to put on me when you are whipping me ”

“Your vish is granted,” says the S.S. officer and he goes and gets a leather S.S. jacket to put on the Scottish general . Once he has it on , he gives him one hundred lashes with his whip and the Scottish general crawls into the concentration camp.

Next the S.S. officer goes to the English general and says, “Du have vought bravely also, Vhat ist your vish?”

The English general replies, “I would like a mattress to put across my back, old boy!”

The S.S. officer gets a mattress and puts it across the English general’s back and gives him one hundred lashes. The English general then crawls into the concentration camp.

Next the S.S. officer goes to the Irish general and says, “Du have also vought bravely , even more bravely than sie other two , for this I vill give du two vishes ”

Immediately the Irish general replies, “I would like two hundred lashes!”

The S.S. officer replies, “Are du sure?”

“Yes I am!” replies the Irish general.

The S.S. officer then says, “Fair enough, then vhat vould your second vish be??”

The Irish general then replies, “Put that english bastard on my back!!!”

Some classic answers from Irish radio Just-a-minute quiz.

Actual answers given to the bould Larry Gogan (Irish Radio Presenter).
1) Something a blind man might use?
A Sword
2) A Song with the word Moon in the title?
Blue Suede Moon
3) Name the Capital of France?
F
4) Name a bird with a long neck?
Naomi Campbell
5) Name an occupation where you might need a torch?
A burglar
6) Where is the Taj Mahal?
Opposite the Dental Hospital
7) What is Hitler’s first name
Heil As happy as…. (Larry gave a hint: Think of my name)
A pig in shit
9) Some famous brothers
Bonnie and Clyde.
10) A dangerous race
The Arabs
11) Something that floats in a bath
Water
12) An item of clothing worn by the Three Musketeers
A horse
13) Something you wear on a beach
A deckchair
14) A famous Royal
Mail
15) Something that flies that doesn’t have an engine
A bicycle with wings
16) A famous bridge
The Bridge Over Troubled Waters
17) Something a cat does
Goes to the Toilet
18) Something you do in the bathroom
Decorate
19) A method of securing your home
Put the kettle on
20) Something associated with pigs
The Police
21) A sign of the Zodiac
April
22) Something people might be allergic to
Skiing
23) Something you do before you go to bed
Sleep
24) Something you put on walls
A roof
25) Something Slippery
A conman
26) A kind of ache
A filet of fish
27) A Jacket Potato topping
Jam
28) A food that can be brown or white
A potato
29) A famous Scotsman
Jock
30) A famous Scotsman
Vinnie Jones
31) Something you open other than a door
Your bowels
32) Larry: Famous sports commentator?
Female contestant: No response
Larry: Something you might suck on!
Female contestant: Dickie Davis
Correct answer: Murray Walker

33) And in reply from a man who got none of the answers right:
Larry - Ah sorry the questions didn’t suit you today.
Entrant - Fuck off Larry, you’re nothing but an ould bollox anyway

This American general was invited to Ireland to review the Irish troops. His plane landed at the Dublin airport, and the general stepped off the plane. To his surprise, there stood the Irish troops along side the runway. All of them “Buck Naked”. The general said, “A bit unusual, but carry on”.

The general stepped in front of the first soldier for inspection. A fine figure of a soldier: 6′6″ tall, 200 lbs, wide shoulders, narrow waist, hair all over his chest.
The general took his riding crop and smacked the soldier across the face! The general said, “Did that hurt soldier?” and the soldier replied, “No, sir!” and the general said “Why not?” To which the soldier replied, “Because I’m an Irishman, sir!”

“Very good,” said the general, as he moved to the next soldier.

The second soldier looked like a twin of the first: 6′6″, broad shoulders, narrow waist, hair all over his chest, muscles all over. The general reached over and grabbed a handful of chest hair, and just ripped it out. He said, “Did that hurt soldier?” To which the soldier replied, “No sir!” The general said, “Why not?” The soldier replied, “Because I’M AN IRISHMAN SIR!”

“Very good,” said the general as he moved to the third soldier in line.

He looked just like the other two: 6′6″, 200 lbs of muscle, hair all over his chest. The general was looking up and down at the soldier and saw the “Irish Flag” standing tall. The general does a double take, looking down. He takes his crop and SMACKS the FLAG Pole right on its head, saying, “Did that hurt, soldier?” To which came the reply “No, SIR!”
The general said, “WHY NOT?!!!”

The soldier replied, “BECAUSE IT BELONGS TO THE MAN BEHIND ME, SIR!”

Long ago, when the Irish Sweepstakes was the big lottery game in the U.S., a Jewish gentleman won the sweepstakes and was overwhelmed, not so much with the amount of the winnings, but with the taxes he would have to pay.

So this gentleman, named Morrie, went to his tax advisor and was told the best thing he could do would be to go to Ireland, live there for a year, establish residence and collect the entire sum, tax-free.

Morrie took this advice, started up his own business and really began to like the people and the country. He asked around about what was the best way to become a citizen. He was told to get a recommendation from the Lord Mayor, himself. So he made an appointment and went in to see his Lordship.

“Good day to you, Sir,” says Morrie. “I won’t beat around the bush, Sir. I’ve come here for a recommendation so I can become a citizen of Ireland.”

The Mayor says, “I see here that your full name is Morrie Ginsburg, is that right?”

“Yes, Sir,” says Morrie.

“That’s a Jewish name, is it not?” asks the Mayor.

“Yes, Sir,” says Morrie.

“And you’ve been circumsised,” asks the Mayor?

“Yes, Sir,” says Morrie.

“Well, I’m sorry, Mr. Ginsburg, but you can’t become an Irish citizen.”

“Why not?” says Morrie.

“Because you’ve been circumcised,” says the Mayor.

“Well, that the first time I ever heard anything like that! I knew you had to be one hundred percent Catholic to belong to the Knights of Columbus. I knew you had to be one hundred percent Protestant to be a Mason. But this is the first time I knew you had to be one hundred percent ‘prick’ to be an Irishman!”