Irish Jokes

An Englishman, a Scotsman, and an Irishman are all to give a speechs to the Deaf Society. All are keen to make an impression on their audience.

The Englishman goes first and to the surprise of his colleagues starts by rubbing his chest and then his groin. When he finished the Scotsman and Irishman ask him what he was doing.

“Well,” he explained” By rubbing my chest I indicated breasts and thus Ladies and by rubbing my groin I indicated balls and thus Gentlemen. So my speech started: ‘Ladies and Gentlemen…’”

On his way up to the podium the Scotsman thought to himself
I’ll do better then that English Bastard and started his speech by making an antler symbol with his fingers above his head before also rubbing his chest and his groin.

Well when he finished his colleagues asked what he was doing.
“Well,” he explained. “By imitating antlers and rubbing my chest and my groin I started my speech by saying: ‘Dear Ladies and Gentlemen…’”

On his way up to the podium the Irishman thought to himself
I’ll go one further then those mainland bastards and started his speech by making and antler symbol above his head, rubbing his chest, then his groin and then masterbating furiously.

When he finished his colleagues asked him what he was doing.
“Well,” he explained, “by imitating antlers, rubbing my chest and then my groin and then masterbating furiously, I started my speech by saying: ‘Dear Ladies and Gentlemen, it gives me great pleasure…’”

There were two Irish women walking down the main street of Belfast when one said to the other, “Don’t you think all those soldiers look stupid wearing camouflage uniforms in the middle of a city?”

The other woman replied, “What soldiers?”

There was once an English man an Irish man and a Scotsman. One day they were all going for a walk and came across a strange old house. I’ll go in first and have a look said the English man.

He looked inside and saw dollar bill on the table. He went to go and pick it up and heard a voice: “I am the ghost of Aunty Mable and this note stays on the table!” The English man ran out terrified.

So the Irish man tried and he ran out petrified.

Then it was the Scottsman’s turn. He walked in and went to go pick up the note and the ghost said, “I am the ghost of Aunty Mable and this note stays on the table!”

So the Scottsman said, “Well my name is Davy Crocket, and this note stays in me pocket!”

There is a Irish guy, a Chinese guy, a Russian guy, and a American guy. The guys were sitting around one day disscusing what they like about their country.

The Irish guy says that he likes the green grass of Ireland.

The Chinese guy says that he likes the Great Wall of China.

The Russian guy says that he likes the Russian flag.

The American guy says that he likes the Bald Eagle.

All the other guys looked at the American and asked why he liked the Bald Eagle? The American said, “THE BALD EAGLE CAN SHIT ON THE GREEN GRASS, FLY OVER THE GREAT WALL OF CHINA, AND WIPE HIS ASS ON THE RUSSIAN FLAG! “

An Irishman is driving down a quiet country road when a policeman drives up behind him and pulls him over.

“Excuse me sir,” the copper says, “I don’t believe that this is your car.”

“I can assure you it is,” Paddy replies.

But the PC still doesn’t believe poor old Paddy, so he gets him out of the car and onto the road. The policeman then proceeds to draw a circle around the Irishman and returns to the car.

“I’m going to hit this car on the bonnet with my baton”, threatens the policeman, “and if you laugh then I know it’s not yours.”

The Irishman agrees and the policeman smashes the shiny red bonnet with his baton. He turns round to see the Irishman giggling. “There. See - it isn’t yours.”

“Yes it is”, says Paddy.

So the policeman turns back to the car and shatters all the windows, only to turn round and find Paddy holding his ribs, pissing himself with laughter.

“Right you’ve got one more chance sonny” warns the copper, and he kicks and beats the car until it is beyond repair. He turns round and is astonished to see Paddy rolling around on the ground absolutely wetting his pants.

“If this is your car”, says the PC,”what the bloody hell is so funny?”

“Well”, replies Paddy, “every time you turned round, I stepped out of the circle!!”